bulimic tendencies creeping back
After over a year of no purging, I found myself making myself sick on a few occasions a few months back. I then got back on track and told myself it would never happen again but, of course, it did 8 days ago. I am feeling the need to write on here right now because tonight I was just having a night in, was lying down, reading my book when I suddenly felt a bit hungry. I opened a packet of crisps which I never should have bought in the first place as I can't trust myself anymore. This soon led to two sandwiches with cheese and mayonnaise taken from my housemates, two yoghurts with cereal and lots of chocolate. Now I feel down, exhausted and disappointed in myself. My stomach hurts because of how full I am but I am not going to allow myself to purge. If I overeat then I just have to deal with that.
The first time I got over bulimia, I got over it through my Mum finding out and then getting really into running. Perhaps obsessively so. Nevertheless, it completely stopped me from smoking, drinking excessively, biting my nails and throwing up. Now, I somehow have slipped back into all of these horrific habits and feel like an absolute failure which I inarguably am. I cannot run at the moment due to a knee injury and I believe not being able to run led to the episode 8 days ago. I just don't know how to avoid it happening again. I seem to have lost all of my will power and I was doing so well. I have had some of the happiest 6 months of my life as have completely gotten over an ex and grown a lot as a person through living in a foreign country. They always say bulimia is linked to depression but I've never been happier. Maybe it is linked to my final year of university looming.
I have put on weight again and feel ugly as hell. Looking at pictures of me from when I first got over the illness is not helping, not to mention the pictures from before I even developed it and was stick thin (this forced starvation obviously triggered it in the first place). I am SO fed up of it. I just want to eat when I am hungry and for food to stop ruling my life. It's like all I look forward to when I am at work. I am completely obsessed again.
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