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Bulimic little girl

Hi.. I've been bulimic for nine years now. I'm 21 years old. For me, it also started with anorexia but the restriction was too hard and soon I found myself filling up on everything I forbad myself to eat and throw it up as soon as possible.

But I've always had a weird relationship with food, even when I was a little girl. I rememer going to restaurants with my parents, brother and sister and I would order a big meal and finish the whole plate. I'd ask for a dessert every time and my parents loved to watch me eat because I enjoyed it so much so they would let me have a dessert. But I often couldn't hold it in because my stomach was already filled up with food so I would get sick.

I remember one specific night, I was about eight years old, and I just finished a big steak with fries. I wanted a milkshake and when the waiter put it in front of me I imediatly started to drink. It took me 30 seconds to empty a glass taller than my head. Minutes later I felt sick and told my parents I had to throw up so my mom shoved the milkshake glass under my nose to catch it. All that came out was the milkshake. When the waiter passed by and saw the glass he asked 'Didn't she like it?'.

This became a funny anecdote to tell family and friends and everybody loves it. They laugh, I laugh along. My brother jokes 'Hey, you were a bulimic little girl!' and though I laugh, inside i cringe. They have no idea..

I don't blame them. I did, but it learned that it's not up to them. It just means I'm a pretty good hider/actress.

I was binge/purge free for eight days now, but today I messed up again. I know where it went wrong, I learned from my mistakes. So let's hope now I can go for nine days..

Dear Shaye, your website has been the light in my dark days for the past week. I am so grateful you shared your story and took the time to help others. Without you I don't know if I would have made it this far. Without you, I don't know if I would have the strength to try again.

I can beat this. I will beat this.

Thank you.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program