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Bulimic from 16 to 21, at 34 it continues to visit me

by Jen
(Killeen, Texas, USA)

I am feeling so disappointed. I thought that I released my "closest friend" when I gave away her secret (at 21). I am 34 and have experienced some expected relapses through the years...

I am now a regular crossfitter, I have been on the paleo diet for 2 months and the results are amazing and empowering. I have a cheat day once a week and after the last cheat day I was unable to stick to paleo and the day after that I binged & purged and thought it was just for convenience and the day after I did it again...

I can't help but think there is more to this than pacifying a craving because it happened 2 days in a row, I feel like I am acting strange, but my husband is away so I have nobody to refer to and I think that because he is away I am using this as an excuse to go crazy, and can't help but think there must be something that is causing anxiety, and I am using bulimia as a means to "gain control" of my situation..........

I feel guilty because I am in 2 minds as to whether I will tell my husband that I relapsed, the urge to be secretive is very strong, I feel ashamed and on some level feel like I did it because I do not want to "forfeit" my diet........although my weight is normal for my height etc.....

I feel lost and confused and deceitful. Omission is a lie, is it not? I only feel guilty because I want to keep this a secret from my partner.

If there is anything sweet (that I crave in the house) I am like an addict that knows there is a "fix" in the next room an I will not rest until I have consumed (abused) it all and will not rest until it is out of me(purged).

Then peace is restored............

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program