Bulimic became my character....or so i thought.
by Yih Charng Chiou
(i dont really know if this webbie is still working, but i had decided to try to post my problem again and hopefully it can be shared and i can feel abit more relieved)
I still remember, i became a bulimic when i was 14, for my boyfriend at that time...for my friends...for popularity, for fashion.
I always succumb to the words of negligence(all the negative comments about my chubby size then) from my friends,when they compare my weight with another female friend.
I would always feign as if I am very confident of my weight, and behind closed doors, I will dig my throat and trying desperately to throw out whatever i have eaten for the day.
i am an asian, hence people dont really know much about this disease here. And trying to find consolation or support is close to nil for this disease. It is a very shameful thing for my family to admit, i still remember how my mum found out i was throwing up 8 yrs ago. She told me it was a wrong thing to do, but she did not search for the right approach to help me.
Thus, i became cleverer...and she thought her daughter has recovered. But it was not true...up until yesterday (01/11/2010), i am still throwing up my dinner.
Because i am staying with my family, and if i dont eat they will question and probe and give very negative comments. To pretend to be normal infront of them, i will always enjoy my dinner.
To prevent the food from wasting, i will always eat them up ( my family always thought i hav a hearty appetite...from all these years of binging).Hence, they will cook quite an amount..i will finish all the food.
The funniest part,while i try to be normal infront of others, i became very very abnormal.
Slowly, i took things for granted... and i became the "cute"(chipmunk cheeks) little happy girl that eats happily, and people/friends keeps commenting how happy it is to see me enjoying my food.And all because i knew in my heart i would never pile on the weight....and thus i eat happily without any worry.
I have wasted so much for this illness, money, time, education in exchange for its reaps...and i guess this is the worst part of Bulimia in my life.
It took away so much, and it gave me so many.
I became to lose myself and start to self-induce thoughts into my brain.
I took depression as a way to enhance my poetry (i am a poet, but i did not hold any substantial certifications, because i used my school fees to eat while i was studying alone...how pathetic).
I became very solo, but i tell myself i enjoy my personal space,i am unique..
I lose 2 very good goods because i am a bulimic and i wont leave home unless i am starving. ( i cant meet my friends for dinner because i dont want to eat and end up not being able to throw up later on). But, sadly...because of bulimia, my relatives think that i am a good girl whom love to stay at home instead of always frolicking around with my friends in malls or out for movie.
I started to enjoy this feeling, and slowly...i make purging a part of my life.
If i figured i wont have a chance to purge, then i will choose starvation. And if i eat out with my friends, i will find ways and methods to lie about going home or running a personal errand so i can hide in a any toilet and purge.
I have so many to write...the things i have done for this mental illness.
So many things sacrificed.
I tried setting myself a time to stop all these as my teeth is getting all wrecked...but..i always fail.
I am slowly feeling hopeless for my future.
But i can't! I am only 23yrs old...
i tried sharing my story but no one understands, all they did was giving me encouragement but of mere words and when i pass through a bakery, it all crumbles. I am obsessed with eating...tasting...feeling that weird sense of comfort.
But at the same time, I fear death because i am only 23yrs old.
But i figured i fear more of how people look at me, or what will they think or talk behind my back when i put on weight, etc.
My ego always take over me...i need positive acknowledgement and comments, and thus i know...telling people i am a bulimic will not help me, people will only doubt me. For lying all these years, people will judge me when i go to the toilet after a meal.
Believe me shaye, i tried sharing my story...but to no avail.
I tried telling my closest people around me, but it all winds up dead. People will think that i am dumb/stupid...i know..thats why i cant release.
This bulimia thing is very scary, it makes me very sad, and it makes me very happy. It makes me very confident, but it also makes me very empty. It makes me very clever ( from all the lies and stunt pulled to cover up my acts), but it also makes me very stupid. It makes me enjoy my meal, but it also makes me suffer after my meal.
I am at my wits end...and people around me still think i am young, bright future...
am i really going to live long and conquer this disease?!....
seriously, i doubt so.
A Respone From Shaye
Yih, I really feel for you... I know that in Asian countries in particular - a lot of focus is put on being thin. Some of the girls at my high school came to New Zealand from Asia and put on weight because of the different food... They said they felt they could never go home until they lost the weight...
Yih - i am going to be looking into some products to help bulimics over the next month... Keep an eye on my website to see them...
Please NEVER give up - there is a cure for you out there - you just need to hang in there...
Start with baby steps...
the first one should be adding one simple thing into each day that you thoroughly enjoy... Listening to your favorite song, watching a good movie, going for a walk... whatever it is YOU like...
Try to find happiness again and bulimia recovery will follow...