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bulimic attack! yuk

by nikki bennett
(new york)

My experience with bulimia started when I was 13 years old, why?? Because, I came from a very physically, sexually and emotionally abusive background. It all started with my oldest jealous sister (a 26 year old) who was my legal guardian at the time. I loved food & didn't care much about weight. When I was 11 years old, my sister would over feed me because I loved to eat sweets a lot. She would tease me & call me hideous names about my beauty & weight. She then started locking the refrigerator & counting food in the cabinets to see if I was eating. If food was missing, I was severely beaten with sticks, belts, whatever she could find to torment me from eating. Yet, she would over feed me to the point I wanted to throw up. If I threw up she would repeat that same process again. So, there it was I became over weight at 13 years old. At this age, she told me she would put me on a diet eating nothing but seasoning. I feared my sisters abusive ways. I thought it was easier to torment myself. I started the anorexia process. But, teachers became concerned of the lack of energy I had & would soon bring this up to my sister. To balance things out. I tried bulimia. It gave me energy from eating & slimness from throwing up. It also got my sister of my back. I wasn't fat anymore, no more stealing food, cause she would count it. She fed me. I wait to coast was clear & throw it up. I started fainting but, my sister thought it was high school sport related issues (yea, I'm laughing). These issues led me into a mental institute for a nervous break down. But, I never told doctors or anyone why. My sister was severely abusive in every way because she reminded me each day how much she hated the day I was born. Briefly, my sister found out about the bulimia when I was 15, I thought I would make her happy if I was dead. Her abuse was too much for me to bare. I later moved in with new family members & got the same violent abusive behavior only this time in a sexual way. My bulimia continue until I was about 20 years old. I lived alone happy & stopped the bulimia on my own. Then at 28 years old, I began the bulimic habits, when I left a traumatic situation with abusive lovers, jealous peers in my ballet school, I'm 30 now and my bulimia has gotten out of control. Sometimes I can turn t;he bulimic switch off & other times not. My now fiance triggers the bulimia. Because, I'm bored & I'm not happy with him or life. Also when he cooks for me. Its fattening food i fear. He's naturally skinny so over eating is not an issue for him. I want much more out of life. Although, I'm educated & successful. I'm a professional singer & ballet/tap dancer. I'm slim & very healthy. But, I'm bulimic. My fiance suspects my behavior because I head to the bathroom after every meal. But, I don't look sick so, he brushes things off. Plus I often deny being this way & blame throwing up. Because of the non-organic ingredients in the food. So, my heart beat is irregular sometimes & I won't get checked because I'm ashamed of telling this story to anyone. I cry inside. I'm beautiful & people think my life is perfect because I act confident. But, I'm very depressed and hurting inside. I tried counseling. Some councilors are not trained in eating disorder patients think my behavior will fade. I binge & purge a lot. I drink laxative teas, work out a lot to stay slim. Just so people will admire my beauty like they do. Its awful feeling like this. I feel like that abused kid again. I can't turn the switch off like I use to do. I need help, my heart will give in & I'm done. I'm going to get help soon & I have been praying. Long story short the pressures of life cause PTSD & here comes your enemy BULIMIA. But, it doesn't have to remain a part of you. Help is on the way. Since I love & value myself. I just made the choice to help myself. Writing this was my 1st beginning. Thank you for this site :)

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