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bulimia/starving recovery!!

by Rozeena
(Paris, tx, USA)

hello,

my story has so many ups and downs im not evn sure if i was starving myself or anorexic bt i was bulimic!. it all started out since middle school 8thgrade(2008). till i was in 6th grade i was really super skinny, i wuld eat so much bt my metabolism was high. i was involved in sports and i wuld never b sitting around bored. after i got in middle school, i did get a little chubby bt i didnt care at all, it nevr seemd to bother me at all. my best frnd, we kinda luukd similar, bt she was a litle taller and skinner version of me. it stilll didnt effect me at all.
one day whn i was at her house, she wuld b telling me how much weight she lost over the break and i wuld b worried abt her cuz the way she told me she sounded worried. we had went out to eat n came back! she tuk me to bathroom and showd me wat she does to lose soo much weight.. by throwing up wat she ate. i got so disgusted whn she did tht. she told me i should try to so tht i will lose weight as well.. i got kinda offended bt i gav it a try anyways. i culdnt. i gave up after 1st try. bt she easily thru out everything she ate.. i was shocked..
tht didnt really do much effect on me bt after i saw wat happened and whn she told me to try so i culd lose few weights. i got body concious! after tht i strted eating and throwing up once everyday!
then i saw my face swolling up and nasty so i stoppeed the throwing up bt i stoped eating food tht i had alwys been eating bt i went for more less calories, less fat foods... i wuld eat lollipops or drink tea 5 6 times a day with high suger to fill me up. i did tht for a month smdays i wuld lose control and binge and purge bt next day i wuld go back to the lollipop and tea!! i lost few weights not much bt it was ok to make me feel gudd. tht lasted for 2mnths i think..

i went out of country after tht for 10mnths. i strted eating normal again for abt 6mnths then i went back to bulimia. i had bloating problems. stomach pain. i went on bulimia for a few weeks i think after tht i went back to eating normal. i noticed my weight had gone up 10 15 kilos and there was a lot of difference i culd see frm how i used to be to how i was at tht point. so after tht i went on starving. drinking 6 7 smtiems evn 10 11 glasses of tea wit milk and alot of sugar! smdays i wuld go on a day wit 3 to 5 glassses of tea. on weekends i wuld treat myself wit few oily foods and icecreams out wit frnds and not b bothered abt gaining weight cuz i wuld feel as if i had been working hard and next day go back to tea again.. i continued this almost for abt a month and half and i ws at my normal weight bt pretty tired luukin. i ws at 43kg at height of 5 3. i did tht in last mnths n half left bfor i returnd. then i returnd back home!!
i strted eating normal again n added alot of fruits and veggies in my diet and ate a big meal at night.. i wuld run in treadmill everyday and burn abt 1000 calories or smtimes 800 900 calorie.. i did tht over summer for abt 2mnths. my weight did go up jst a bit bt i lukd very healthy!! after i strted going to school. my schedules were so weird. i hate so many gaps in between meals tht i strted having the bulimia and starvving problem again.. the whole 10th grade i wuld b eating normal then back to bulima then back to tea drinkin.. after tht i went back outta country!! i studied my 11th grade in a college there. i was there for abt 5 6 mnths and in those months whn i was in college wit frnds, i wuld eat big meals and b fine wit it. after 4mnths of college. i had to stop for my work which was at a fashion industry. i went on trying to b bulimic bt after i wuld thro up abt few hours later i wuld get hungry and eat a small portion of food and not throw out. sm week i went on tea drinkin diet sm wekk on purging and some week jsst normal.. tht happened for last two months bfore i caame back home.
my weight as i noticed had gone up alittle. abt 55 kg or i dnt kno i didnt weight myself cause i was scared to bt i was upto 55kg or 60kg.
after i came back here i went on eating regular then tryina b bulimic to tryin to starve bt i didnt last well. smhow i wuld want to eat normal and not make my body go thru this sort of pain. its been abt 5mnths i have been back and im battling it everyday. i want to eat normal b normal bt im afraid i will gain a lot of weight. then i throw up wat i eat bt get hungry aftet a while and eat again bt let the food stay.. then i try tea dieting smhow its not enougha n i go back to trying to eat normal. i really want to live my life withhout all of these worries and be a normal girl. eat normal, workout and have a gud weight. not big body. how can i do this? if i start eating normal am i going to gain alot of weight and not b able to burn it off? i already have a little stomach , fat in the stomach and it grosses me out. bt i do want to have a healthy lifestyle. and healthy weight. of 45kg and i am 5 4 now. please help me out ... :) :(

thank you
with all due respect
rozeena

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