bulimia took away my passion.....

by Lou
(Liverpool UK)

Hi I am 20 years old and from the uk.

I have been suffering from bulimia since I was 16.

I have always danced since the age of 4 and at 15 I realised I wanted to make a career out of it, which lead me to successfully gaining a place at a full time professional dance college. I loved every minute of it and was a hard working and determined girl who pushed myself in all aspects of dancing, I was passionate and it was all I ever wanted to do...

However amongst all the fun I was having dancing every day... I began to notice how different my body shape was to that of what a dancer "should be". I was a bit "softer" looking then the other girls in my class and had more of a shapley bum.... this is when it all began...

It started off with me purging once a week after my dinner, then I would do it every night after dinner. strangley enough I ate ok during the day it only seemed to be after my dinner in the evening.

In the early stages I never binged I only made myself purge after my evening meal which was of a normal portion size. I started loosing weight rather rapidly and people commented on how good I looked. I started to get more confidence and with this, my dancing also improved. I was doing well in my dance exams and choreographers seemed to be noticing my abilitys more. That's when the obsession got worse...

I would wake in the mornings and eat an apple...for lunch it would be a salad and I would eat whatever my mum or dad had made for dinner but always purge after it. I was so secretive I would take bin liners (garbage bags) into my room and do it in them so I could dispose of them after...I felt disgusting but nothing seemed to stop me. I was loosing weight my dancing was going great and I had gained a course in London for my finishing year...moving to London for any dancer in the uk is a really big thing!!!

I got there and the pressure was on.. Not only to be the best in the class but to be the skinniest. I had moved out of my family home and no longer had anyone around to look out for me.. I was free to do what I wanted. I started to discover the joys (I hate to use that word but sadly that's how it felt) of binging on fatty foods knowing that I could but wouldn't get fat. It took over my life and although I continued to graduate college, I had become severely depressed and would constantly find myself crying in frustration with my body even if I had only put on a POUND! I would stay up till 5 in the morning eating everything in site even taking trips down to the 24hour food shops to by masses of food....I would then sleep all day, missing out on auditions and dance classes.....and the vicious circle would begin again.

I ended up gaining about 2stone due to the fact I was no longer dancing and all I did with my life was binge and purge. I ended up moving back home in December 2009 to "get better". I am no longer dancing which I miss greatly, I have lost a lot of confidence and my bulimia is still here ruling my life. I have lost friends because of it, missed out on exciting things because I would rather be at home stuffing my face, I am tired looking and have no energy anymore. I am causing upset and distress to my family but most importantly my passion and all the hard work for my dancing has gone out the window because of this silly illness.

I really want to get help but I find the doctors intimidating and I never know what say to them???
I hope one day I beat this and get the motivation to become what I have always wanted to be and start dancing again..

lou xxxx