Bulimia - self abuse and self worth
Last night I binged and then purged via a packet of 18 laxatives. This morning I was in a car accident which was my fault. Luckily no one was hurt and there was minimal damage. It was an honest accident yet I wonder if my mind hadn’t been so fogged up from bulimia thoughts perhaps I would’ve been more alert?
I was very upset after the accident and found myself being very, very mean to myself. I was calling myself all sorts of horrible names for making a mistake. And then I realized something:
The way that I talk to myself must change in order to recover from bulimia.
I know that you’ve touched on this on your site yet I really understood the reasoning via my experience in this car accident.
To sum up the lesson that I am learning today:
#1 - I make myself feel worse when I am mean to myself.
#2 - When I am mean to myself with my thoughts I will ultimately binge and purge.
#3 - Binging and purging hurts me. It hurts when my stomach is so full and it hurts to get the food out. It hurts much worse in an emotional sense because bulimia reiterates all of the negative thoughts and says “See! You are a horrible, worthless person and the proof is that you just binged and purged one more time! If you were worth anything then you wouldn’t hurt yourself. But you’re not worth anything so you take your own health for granted – it means nothing to you, you mean nothing at all.”
#4 – Bulimia not only hurts me but it can hurt other people in my life – both the people who are close to me and the strangers that I encounter (the woman that I hit in the car accident today).
#5 - I have to challenge each mean thought with a love thought. This is the re-programming that you mention.
Ultimately I do not want to bring anymore hurt to myself or other people. Life is a gift and for way too long I have taken it for granted.
Return to bulimia support groups.