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Bulimia is destroying my work and social life

by Mo Mo

I am a 41-year-old professional having a happy life (as it appears). But nobody knows that I have a different life being taken over by bulimia. I am thankful to Shaye for giving me hope to recover from it one day and knowing that I am not alone.

I was a fat kid at school and had very low self-esteen. I always questioned why I wasn't look like ordinary people. I couldn't fit in the little dress I liked and I didn't dare to join the games my classmates were playing at the playground. At 16, I decided to take action - I took prescribed medicine and went on very strict diet. I did successfully lost X lbs in a year to reach my "ideal" weight of X lbs (Xkg). It was the first time I had self-confidence. But the problem just didn't end there. My weight has been on a roller coaster over the last 20 years. I sliped, gained weight, restricted my diet again, lost weight, derailed, gained, restricted...It was like a predictable cycle. But I was neither anarexic nor bulimic (though it's kind of eating disorder), until 2.5 years ago when I started doing weight training and saw my body transformed miraculously to one that looked almost like a fitness model. Since then, I have become even extremely conscious about my physique and what I eat. I allowed myself to put only "clean food" in my mouth. It worked for a year, and I've been proud when others at the gym turn head to look at me. One day I suddenly had the thought of having an ice-cream bar and cookies which I haven't tried for a long time, and then getting away with them by throwing up. So I bought the ice-cream and two cookies and hid in the restroom at my office to enjoy them. I won't forget the first sent me to heaven. I easily threw up the food and got away from weight gain at that time. I've become bulimic since then. I binge and purge around three times a week. I will eat and eat until I am terribly full. I always start with eating healthy food and then I go on to binge on the healthy food at hand, and by the time I have consumed 8 protein bars and half jar of nuts, I will go out to have a few cups of ice cream and then cookies, muffins, danish, chips... anything you can think of. While enjoying the food, fear and guilt arise. I then spend at least an hour in the restroom to purge and am worried that I can't vomit everything I've taken. I am so tired after each purging that I don't have any energy to do anything else. It affects my work and social life. I sometimes need to cancel appotinments or can't turn up at my friends' gathering because of the time I've spent in the bathroom purging. I do manage to control the urge to binge during weekends when I am with my family or on the days when I go to gym. On other days, however, I am uncontrollably driven to binge and purge. I want to eat but at the same time I am so scared of not having a "perfect body". My interest in reading all those fitness magazines, eat-well articles, nutrition, etc worsens my bulimic addiction.

I want to eat like a normal person without thinking of all the calories, insulin spike, fat storage... I want to have a taste of dessert and bread when I want without going over the limit. Why can't I behave like a normal person?

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program