bulimia is a sad, sad life.
Yesterday was the FIRST day in 2.5 years I did not purge. I have been reading this website word for word since I stumbled upon it a few days ago and I cannot tell you how incredible it feels to know there is hope for someone like me.
I was going on day 2 of no purging but I failed this morning already, within 2 hours of being awake I have purged 7 times :( I hope today is not ruined, I was going to start the gym today to give me something to do. The weekdays are hard for me because I am home alone until about 4pm- which is when my bulimia comes out full force… 20+ purges & binges that make me cringe with shame when I think about them.
I am not sure if I can start to recover when I don't even have the willpower to keep from purging for 2 hours. I can't afford therapy and I cannot tell my parents because the way it would make them feel would just cause me more stress in my life and they wouldn't understand anyway.
I feel like a disgusting person for the things I do. I am almost 22 and I feel like my life is over, I hate thinking about food 24/7, I feel like there is nothing that could help me, I used to be a happy person, and very very creative, now I just snap at people, I have nothing to live for and I feel like my relationships and superficial and that I am just a zombie going through life lying to everyone around me.
I am so ashamed, but I have nobody else to blame but myself. Yesterday I was SO HAPPY, I had conquered a day without bulimia, although the bloating was PAINFUL. I ate three meals and 2/3 snacked throughout the day, but my stomach was in knots about half of the day so I laid around a lot.
Now I am back to square one, and it's all I can do to keep from running into the kitchen right now and stuffing my face, WHY IS THAT!?! WHY CAN'T I STOP :( I want more than ANYTHING to.
My teeth are already showing signs of wear, and I am scared to go to the dentist because they will definitely know my secret.
I have a long distance boyfriend who I could never tell about my bulimia for it would be too emabrassing and it would disappoint him because of the front I have put on the 9 months I have known him. We don't talk much so it's easy to just feel lonely all day at home.
I hate my job and I feel like I have no power over anything in life - I just don't see how I can jump start a recovery when I am in such a state...
I really need some advice here on how to get out of this rut. My life is going nowhere but down with this disease and I feel like I NEED to tell someone but I just can't tell my parents, and there are no friends I'd feel comfortable telling.
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