Bulimia: I want you gone.

by Tori
(California)

My name is tori.

I have had bulimia for about 3 1/2 years now. I started when i moved to a new HS and was overcome with girls who were pretty and thin. In addition, I was always a cheerleader and felt inadequate next to the other girls. I also was eating a lot and gained weight and family members would be like wow you gained weight, or you're getting fat. It was really hard to take. One day my mom said it and in my head I said "fine, if I develop bulimia know it was your fault."

Then the cycle began. I began purging what I ate and it worked. I ended up losing weight and thus feeling happy and confident. But nothing honestly changed. It just became something I could not control. It slowly began to take over my life.

All I thought was to b/p; b/p; b/p; everywhere I went. It got really bad and everyone noticed. All my friends did and my best friend ended up sharing with me later down the road that she has it too.

I got to my skinniest one summer and loved it and aimed so hard to be this way yet the whole time I wanted to stop b/p like I tried so hard to but still I didn't want to gain weight. So I guess this is the point where I aim to stop b/p but my mind is still not at the right place because I still want to maintain my low weight.

I ended up leaving for college and basically for a month before did not purge barely but binged. I said I was done with bulimia and I was able to stop purging but the sad thing was I would sometimes binge. Learning from this I realized I still have bulimia because the fact is I would still binge and pay for the effects by eating less the next day or running.

Now I am at the point where I want it gone. I am happy with my body and I know that I actually lose weight now without the bulimia versus gain weight. I just tried structured eating and did not purge for 8 days but then these last four days I b/p and it just feels so sad to me.

I feel sad because I want to get rid of these Chipmunk Cheeks and feel like by b/p it's adding days to where these cheeks will go away.

I like running and working out and eating healthy genuinely; and just now I just want to be done with bingeing and purgeing.

I feel like I am lonely and I have no true friends to support me in this and I want to be happy but I need some type of social interaction or motivation or someone to check in on.

I don't feel I necessarily need inpatient since I've done a ton of research and I am at a much better mindset than before but I feel I do need therapy but want to put it off till the fall.

What can I do now to actively stop b/p, I need advice, I hate the cycle of relapses I always fall into, I am growing, I am getting stronger, I am becoming content with who I am but this is the only last thing holding me back and I am done with this. I feel like I can do it and I don't like reading stuff about how I cannot do it without A, B or C. I feel like everyone's different you know?

I know my weakness now is that fact that I can relapse into b/p and then fall into a cycle of it before I stop again. Please help me.

I also want to know how long it will take for these Chipmunk Cheeks to go away, I want them gone. I don't care if I gain weight or anything I just want my face back without these cheeks; it makes me really confidential, sorry if this sounds shallow.

This is my bulimia story. I know there is much more and I am willing at this point to open up to anyone who is suffering from it. I want to do anything I can to beat this and just need advice.