Bulimia: I know there's end to this someday somehow
Generally speaking I am an enthusiastic and optimistic 20 year old female who loves life. When I went away to college I began to lose weight and eat healthier simply because I no longer had a fridge full of food to fuel my overeating habits. When I went home for winter break during my freshman year everyone told me how great I looked, and it made me feel incredible and empowered. When I returned to school after break, a fear of fattening foods had been embedded in my mind. So I would not eat enough, and when I finally broke down and ate a normal amount of food I would vomit it all up. After a few months of this I came to my senses and pulled it together. I continued exercising and up losing a lot of weight healthily. After a year and half of this I did a summer program where food that satisfied my health and tastebud needs was not readily available. I found myself eating an incredible amount of unhealthy food and barely getting any exercise as it was hard to follow my regiment to which I had become accustomed. My pants got too tight, and I soon realized that I was rapidly gaining weight. I began to puke after every dinner. Whether or not anyone was on to me still escapes me, but I would be surprised if I was actually as successful in hiding my purging secret as I thought at the time. I was forced to limit my purging when I went home for the remainder of the summer simply because my house is small and it would have been hard to go unnoticed. When I returned to school, it picked up again despite my having thought I'd kicked the habit. I am a senior now, and I have been battling with it ever since. I will have a good week, or two weeks, and then I have to purge again. Sometimes twice in a night. I am a health nut which directly contradicts the way I am treating my body, but I cannot seem to stop myself. It is taking an incredible toll on my mental wellbeing and on my pocket book. In fact, I just finished a binge and intend to go purge right after this. The consumptive mentality of bulimia disgusts me on a personal level in that there is so much suffering in the world due to lack of basic needs and I am devoting my studies to alleviating these problems in the world and here I am perpetuating the problems to seemingly no extent.
I know I can stop. And I will. I know the process needs to be gradual even though I just want it to stop right now and never throw up again. Thank you for your blog. It is so good to know that there are success stories to keep those of us still contending with bulimia motivated and hopeful. This will stop. I know it, and I am the only one who can stop it.
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