Bulimia has taken over everything
I totally suck at writing stuff like this... but here it goes...
I'm a 25 year old female and i'v had bulimia since the age of 7. At age 2 my dad died. Growing up i would see everyone else and their "happy dad's"... i wished i had one. i thought God was just punishing me. i remember nights when i would just cry and cry and cry...my mom would come into my room and hug me... i would say "whhhhyyyy? whyyyy did god have to take him from us? if he loved us he wouldnt have done that."
my mom remarried when i was 6. I walked in on them one morning kissing, i ran off to my bedroom. i was sad because that guy in there wasn't my real dad. anyway this step dad of mine was verbally mean and never accepted my sister and I. So i would cry and make myself vomit because i felt emotionally wrecked.
as the years went on I would get called fat, because i was a little chunky. so i started taking diet pills. they were miracle pills. i loved the attention i received both the healthy attention & the concerned attention. i lost so much weight. I would starve myself for days...the 3rd day was always the hardest but i would feel superior by the 5th.
I restricted soooo much, i then started to binge/purge/binge/purge. At first for the binges were 'controlled' now they are just out of control. I will wake up while thinking about food, and make a 12 egg omelet, 8 pieces of toast with butter or jelly or peanut butter, chug a few gulps of orange juice out of the carton and then run to the bathroom... this will go one throughout the entire day....
this is a viscious cycle i have to end. it is so time consuming for me. when i am with my boyfriend, im not even happy because i just want to raid the fridge and be by myself.
i want to get better, but i am just afraid that if i do i'll gain weight. i wouldn't mind maintaining my weight but the main issue is i cannot control my food intake. I look at food as my drug. and i constantly need it. i have an unexplainable urge that goes through my body: the feeling of comfort and satisfaction with the taste of something pleasurable.
my cycle everyday is: binge,purge,scale.. binge, purge, scale...alll dayy.
While i'm at work Im binging too and going to the bathroom that i know is always vacant at 4PM.
There is so much to my story that that isn't even 1/4 of it. I just need someone to bump me in the 'right' direction for a day 'oner'
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