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Bulimia and trusting myself

by Jennifer
(Los Angeles)

My bulimia expresses many emotions, one of which is distrust. I don't trust my body to properly handle food. My bulimic thinking goes like this...

"If I eat 2 cookies then surely I'll gain weight so I might as well eat the whole container of cookies, throw up and take laxatives."

This is not rational thinking. I know that consuming 2 cookies will not add cellulite to my thighs. Yet I feel a pending loss of control when I am in that situation, staring into the bag of cookies.

After eating 2 cookies my inner drill sergeant comes to life and screams out all of my physical imperfections, all of the reasons why I am not good enough or special.

I wonder if the binge is my way of rebelling against the physical image of perfection that is in my head, the image of a woman who is beautiful and happy, the image that looks nothing like me in a body that I will never be able to achieve?

I feel an incredible sadness that I've developed this poor self image and that I've manifested emotional issues (that have nothing to do with weight) into a food / weight / image obsession. How can a person struggle so, so, so much with eating 2 cookies?

I suppose the further I get into recovery the more I will learn to accept myself and ultimately be capable of eating 2 cookies in a healthy manner. But right now, I just feel like a person incapable of trusting herself with food.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

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