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Bulimia and me.

Hi, I've been bulimic since i was around 14 and i'm 19 now. At first i actually got the idea from a t.v soap! I thought, what a brilliant idea, i can eat what i want and still be thin. At this point i was a bit 'chubby', i was still quite young and had a bit of baby fat. I remember my mum approaching me and saying 'i think we need to do some exercise...i can see your putting on a bit of weight'. I couldn't believe what she was saying...i never thought i was particularly big. I mean, i knew i was a bigger than some of my skinny friends but never did i think i needed to go on a diet. My brother obviously heard this and thought what a brilliant new taunt to tease my sister about. So for days, weeks, months i would cycle till my legs hurt and horse ride almost every day but i wasn't losing any weight, my mum would feed me huge meals that i would eat thinking that it was fine as my much taller, older brother was eating the same. My brother would call me fat and numerous other names daily. This is what hurt the most, i felt like crap, i felt like i was huge and ugly. I got to around 14 when my bulimia started and at first it was amazing, i lost so much weight, people would compliment me and i felt skinny, light and free! I'm 5ft2 and was about X stone in the first few months of my bulimia. I got a boyfriend and felt like nothing could stop me, i had this secret weapon that meant i was better than anyone else! But obviously i was wrong. It started to get tedious, i would make up lies, secrets, anything! to get to the loo and puke. My relationships with anyone started to break and i was alone. I started to gain weight back, becoming lazy with purging time after binging and sometimes leaving purging till 2 or 3 hours after i ate, not knowing i was absorbing the calories. Then something terrible happened. I was about 16 now and been with the same boyfriend for about a year. We were inseparable! I loved him unconditionally and being so young and innocent i thought we'd be together forever and ever! We were best friends, a team and he made my bulimia have a point. I was doing it to be thin so he'd still love me and other guys would be jealous. But then one day, i remember the day so clearly as i was in secondary school, i had eaten so much at lunch that i needed to purge. i went to the toilets but they had no toilet roll and people lingering everywhere. I knew i couldn't be sick here as people would hear me and know my secret! I pretended to be ill so i could go home to purge. Everyday I would walk home with my lovely boyfriend , hand in hand. But not today, i was home already, trying to puke up as quite as i could without my mum hearing. I text my boyfriend to say I was ill and he agreed to come over later. About 3 weeks later I found out that he had cheated on me. He turned up at my house in tears and said the words i never thought I'd hear. I felt sick to my stomach, I wanted to kill everyone and myself. I was a mixture of angry, sad and most of all the words in my head were 'YOUR NOT GOOD ENOUGH, THAT'S WHY HE CHEATED, YOUR FAT, YOUR UGLY'. When i found out that it was with one of my best friends I literally wanted to die. It was the day i went home to purge. He went back with her and not me. I couldn't stop thinking that if only i wasn't bulimic, if only i hadn't come home to be sick he would still be with me. It took me 2 years to get over what he did to me. In this 2 years i was a mess, i would miss college to b/p, i was distant from my friends, i slept around to feel loved and i lied and stole from my friends and family. I felt like scum, every day i would try and recover, saying to myself 'today you will eat just fruit and veg' etc etc, obviously it never worked. At this point i was 5ft2 and about X stone. my highest weight. As if nothing could get worse it did... One day my mum said the words you never ever want to hear as a bulimic 'i heard you being sick last night' i replied 'yeah i just felt ill' she said 'no, i know you were making yourself sick'. Thats was it, my secret was out. what should I do! My world was falling apart. I was failing college, i had few friends and the ones i did have knew i would steal and lie and now even my family was finding out. She mentioned it that once and not again for weeks. I was hoping she'd just forgotten! That it was just a dream! But she mentioned it again. She was angry. She was so upset that i was ruining my life that she delt with it in possibly the worst way. She said things like 'your a lier, you steal' and little comments like 'clean the toilet after your sick, after your just throw our food and money down the toilet'. Now these words just made me feel so bad, and the worse i felt the more i b/p. She would threaten me that if i didn't stop she's take me to a doctor. Now looking back this is the worst thing she could have said. She threatened me with the one place i needed to go! I was so scared and ashamed she would tell my family and take me to a doctor where I'd be humiliated. Time past and i spent less time at home, i hung out with the wrong sort of people, as they didn't judge me for acting strange. I felt sort of accepted but still had this deep secret. At 18 I was 5ft2 Xstone. I felt ugly and fat every day, negative thoughts filled my head and i gave up the aspirations of university after college, barely attending lessons. One day during the end of my second year at college i noticed a guy that we'd been hanging around with, he was a bit of a 'bad boy' and we always exchanged glances around college. I never really thought much of it, too busy thinking of when i could next b/p. But gradually over months this guy became a bigger part of my life. He was well known by the new group of people i hung around with but to me he was shy and quite. I got close to this guy and eventually we were a couple. I never really thought much of it, my mind was never focused on anything's that word again BULIMIA! He wanted to be with me all the time, he wanted to know everything about me. I didn't know what was going on until one day i wised up. I knew what it was. It was love, he loved me. He loved me so much that when he looked at me i could literally see the love coming from him. It was felling i had pushed away long ago and i didn't quite know what to do. He'd tell me stories about how he'd seen me months before we ever spoke and he'd just watch me (not in a creepy way!) he said he was infatuated with me and wanted so much to know me. I was so shocked my this, i was so wrapped up in my own bulimic life i never noticed this. I was so scared to let him in...what if he found out my secret, what if he broke my heart. I kept him at arms length for as long as i could so not to risk anything bad happening. When i was with him bulimia didn't matter, i was rarely sick and ate little as i was too busy spending time with him. I got into uni (somehow!) and things started to change. I threw my all into uni and moved with my boyfriend to go to uni. Everything seemed to be going well until i started negative thoughts in my head. That he would find someone thinner, some one prettier! he would make comments at fat people and it just made me think...he doesn't like fat.. I'm fat... i must be thin! My bulimia got really bad and i felt too dizzy, weak and bored of life all the time. This is where I'm at now. I want to recover but I don't want to put on weight. I'm not even that slim now as i've bcome lazy with b/p and am 5ft2 (so still short!!!) and about X stone (fat!) I feel like I've been given every chance like with uni and my boyfriend but I'm just a let down. My attendance at uni is bad as I spend time b/p-ing instead. My Mum hasn't mentioned bulimia since i've been at uni (nearly a year) and keeping the secret from my boyfriend (that i live with!) is impossibly hard :( every day i get so scared he'll find out and judge me and every day i'm scared of getting fatter and losing everyone around skin is grey, my eyes are faint, my once beautiful glossy hair is greasy and lank...from my once slender frame in the first months of bulimia i am now just a chubby...i don't even look like i have an eating disorder! I feel like a joke! and i feel like life has been sucked from me and all that's left is this grey, chubby body with no life in it! Please give me advice on what to do now? Will i put on much weight in recovery? as I'm not that slim now? Thanks

Theres so much more to my story and i've never shared it before.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program