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Bulimia and me. Shameful

by Rebekah
(Manchester, United Kingdom)

Hi there, I'm Rebekah and I'm 19 years old.
I never thought Bulimia would ever be a problem
for me. I've suffered with Anorexia since I was 12,and suffered with Bulimia for 2 years now. Ever since I got discharged from inpatient for Anorexia my whole life has just changed, bulimia started and it has now evolved into something I cannot control. I think I can but really, deep down I'm fighting I can't do it.

Day in, day out my life is ruled by bulimia, multiple trips to the doctor, the emergency department, my life constantly on hold, I'm in the depths of despair and I don't know what to do. Bulimia is something else. I feel possessed. The real me has been stripped back of all their dignity and I feel ashamed, that this is what I do. All day.

You know, I won't let it stop me wherever I go.
It's disgusting. I hate myself for it.

I try to pretend I'm okay, dissociate myself from
labels, and play everyone down. When, really
I'm so fed up of being a burden to my family, they
Must be so incredibly fed up of my eating disorders that's its better to pretend. But I know I can't live like this any longer, I just don't know how to change, or find the willingness to do so...

A life free of bulimia seems so far away, it's all
I want, and I know what I have to do, it is so so hard. I'm fed up of this.

I guess the only thing is, keep on going, Keep *trying* my best to fight this, Focus on my future,... But I do that everyday. I lead such a fab double life, easy to just pretend.

Thank you

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program