Bulimia and Fear
With each frantic bite I build the walls of self hate
until I cry and beg myself for mercy.
This is my punishment for not being "enough",
a slow death at the hand of a perfectionist
who screams "you lack!!" and "you're disgusting!!"
I wonder how many moments I've spent dying out of fear that
living would hurt too much?
Allowing self acceptance tonight,
what would that feel like?
Is it possible?
Am I worthy?
Am I enough?
Bulimia says "no".
Bulimia is my fears and insecurities manifested into a physical act of punishment for not being perfect,
for not being enough.
The question I never had the courage or clarity to ask
after all these years is,
not "enough" for what?
I fear that I'm not enough to be loved.
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