Bread- the love/hate of my life
I write a lot of essays these days so I feel like I sound so awkward and formal and robotic whenever I type anything now, lol. I've kind of just organised my thoughts into bullet points...But yeah, here it is:
I'm 20 years old and I've recently been given an official diagnosis of bulimia after a year of purging. But I have binged for years before this, since I was 14. I grew up in a tense family household with domestic abuse, and found my parents divorce very stressful as I moved in with my estranged grandmother at this time. I then lived alone with my mother aged 15-18. We had a very bad relationship and I was very lonely with low self esteem. I also felt very isolated and unliked at school, as if I didn't fit in. My binge eating really took off at this age. If I wasn't having a binge episode where I sort of "black out" and go onto autopilot, I would constantly be eating something to make myself feel safe- endless slices of toast or bread, and icecream or brownies I'd baked. This carried on in sixth form (17-18 years old) even though I was much happier in social life- I still struggled with low mood and self esteem, and my relationship with my mum was still terrible.
-I then went to uni in catered accommodation, and lost some weight as my binges settled down. They didn't go away completely but i wasn't always soothing myself with food and it wasn't something that was always on my mind.
-However, I developed a stomach bug that made it easy for me to vomit. And I lost more weight, which people commented on. My self esteem had lowered when the guy I'd liked/been seeing dumped me for another girl and I drove myself crazy comparing to her. I started restricting my food intake and vomiting up meals. When I moved out of halls and into my mum's for the summer, I restricted my food intake even more and basically aimed to starve myself. I'd be sick in mugs and hide them in my room as my mum was getting suspicious. Urgh. Then when I moved into my second year house at uni, I fell into that classic restrict, binge and purge cycle I keep reading about.Sometimes I'd throw up anything I had, even coffee or water. Other times I'd eat an entire loaf of bread through the course of a binge and throw that up. I'd make myself so weak and shaky, I stopped sleeping, having panic attacks and just generally feeling anxious all the time, would think about cutting myself or killing myself a lot...
- Over the past one or two months I've pretty much stopped purging. I've stopped throwing up everything I eat and I've managed to stop being afraid of food and feeling like I shouldn't eat anything, ever. But I'm just binging all the time. I'm gaining weight- I'm 5 4 and I would say a stocky build, so I can see the difference pretty much straight away. It's hard admitting to myself how worthless I feel and have always felt. I genuinely hate myself. Inside and out. I feel like a grotesque overgrown child a lot. I hate the way I look. I hate my personality. I hate everything about myself! Starving myself and purging made me feel in control in some way, and now I can't stop binging on bread...It feels like the purging can be nipped in the bud and I am letting myself eat now (I'm still always so tempted some days to throw up) but after 5 years of binging it seems like I'm doomed to comfort eat and binge eat. I keep trying to be hopeful. I'm proud that I'm not purging anymore as it hasn't been easy to give up but I'm determined to stop that. But my binge eating behaviour just seems impossible and it is such a source of pain and disgust for me.
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