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B/P became my addiction..

Last year, I packed on good X lbs in one semester. To get rid of this weight and to look "normal" in Korea, I went on an extreme diet in which I exercised for X hours a day while only consuming about X calories. I've actually done this before back in middle school and high school, so I knew I could do it again successfully. But something was different this time..

Over the past 2 years or so, I tried purging as an experiment. All these celebrities and people who are "Bulimic" looked fantastic and seemed as if the had everything I could ask for! I wanted.. No. I admired their skinny bodies and their capability to eat every sugary food out there. So I tried and tried to become like them.. But it never worked... But this one time.. In Korea while I was losing weight.. It worked. I puked what I just ate and I went, "It worked... I finally know how to make myself sick! Now I can eat whatever I want!" I was excited and happy.

From then, I ate like a pig. I ate all these spicy foods, cheesy pizza, snacks, comfort foods, ice creams, sugar loaded ice coffee, non-diet sodas, cheese cakes, fried chickens, breads, noodles.. You name it! It was funny.. My family actually loved seeing me eat, because I usually go on a diet every time I stay in Korea for summer (I go to school in the US, so visit my family in Korea during summer).

I thought I finally had my freedom to eat whatever I wanted without gaining a pound! But that only lasted for a few weeks..

Before I started b/p properly, I had this.. very very severe depression issue, which I was almost recovered from. But when I started b/p, it all came back even worse than before. I just ate nonstop, and then felt guilty, ashamed and disappointed at myself for letting this food control over me once again... I felt miserable.. So what did I do? I reached out for more food.. so I can get my sugar high again and feel loved..

I also always had to come up with good excuses to go to the bathroom or outside to puke. I couldn't even have lunch with my co-workers (I was an intern in Korea), because I was afraid of them noticing me b/p.

I had no social life and food became my escape.

That was last year..

This year.. I guess it has gotten a little better. I still b/p, but not everyday mostly due to the fact that I have a roommate. Nowadays, I eat delicious healthy food for 3-4 days then b/p for the rest of the week. I don't know.. It's almost like an addiction now.. Even when I'm not in a mood for junk food or bingeing, I still b/p (mostly sugary food, of course).

And yes.. I spend a lot of money on food and I am ashamed of myself.. I can also feel my health deteriorating. Sometimes my heart doesn't beat regularly.. Sometimes I can literally feel my brain cells dying.. I know it sounds funny, but it's true. like you know.. air headed feeling.. Sometimes my tummy looks like a prego's tummy. My skin doesn't feel soft like before... My teeth look clearer than before.. My gum hurts sometimes. my self-esteem can't be any lower. My mood swings a lot. I have to laugh when people around me say things like "oh.. yeah eating like a pig and then puking is so disgusting/gross" so that they don't know I do that... etc etc.. all these countless things.. for what?

This week has been very very bad.. I b/p twice or three times a day for a whole week.. and my heart feels like it's giving up on me..

Everyday I wake up, I tell myself, "Today is a new day and I'm going to start fresh. And everything will work out!" This hope only last for a couple hours... Next thing you know.. I'm in my room.. puking in my trash can... It's so frustrating.. and the fact that I can't tell anyone about this is killing me.. My parents are so far away and I don't want them to worry about me you know.. That's the last thing I want....

Thanks for reading this long post.. This is my first time revealing my darkest secret to an actual person, so I didn't know where to start and where to end the story... And my grammar, spelling, structure, etc...

Again, thank you for listening and thank you for this amazing website. It tremendously helped me to know that I'm not the only one going through this hell....

Love you all!

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program