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Born Big

Unlike most Asian's, I was born with a big bone structure. No, this was not a really fat girl's attempt to say "I'm not fat. I'm big boned." I REALLY AM BIG BONED. Sadly, it runs in the family.
I remembered the day I decided to be bullimic.
I just went to senior high and got my new uniform. The uniform was loose so it only made me look even bigger. I wasn't fat or anything - I'm 5'7'' and I'm around X. Plus, I'm really muscular. The only big thing in my body is my thighs. But my friend walked past me and said "you look fatter. Gained some weight during the holiday?"
I freaked out. I gained x or so, but it wasn't really bad. But I got really stressed and decided not to eat. But my family is really tight on being healthy so they forced me to eat every night.
So I ate. After eating, I would say to them that I am taking a bath. I kept the water running so it would seem like I'm taking a long bath. The sound of water also covers my gagging sounds because I just started puking my food. I did this everyday. I wasn't very good at it first, so I couldn't throw up in public places, I would make inconvenient sounds. So I did only after dinner.
After puking, I turned myself into a regular clockwork. I would do lots of exercises (5 kinds of exercises, around 30/40 reps each).
It was still isn't enough. I tried puking at school after lunch (I don't want my friends to think I'm that big girl who's on a diet; because they always tell me big girls who tried diet always failed). I got better and sometimes I didn't even make a noise.
I'm worried but I'm still doing it even now. I don't want to weight myself because I'm afraid the weight would stress me out and I would be anorexia and bullimic.

Help me.
I haven't recovered.

My life now is basically school eat puke eat puke eat puke
I'm scared
I don't know how to stop
I don't know if my body can take it anymore. I have been suffering from stomach pains and really severe neck and back pains. I couldn't sleep, the back pains are the worst and it bothered me to much. I would stay up until 4 am and finally slept because I'm too tired. I would wake up for school at 5.
I'm tired.
But I just can't stop

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program