Bombs... Lou's moms comments
Parents got back from their trip and I have been bombarded with emotional triggers from my mum. And have fought off every binge urge from them, but am still a bit upset and want to vent.
Bomb number 1:
Mum: you should watch your weight. I know you're eating healthy food, but healthy food can make you gain weight too, you know...
Bomb number 2:
Mum: hey, Do you have any idea where that new tub of ricotta cheese is? The one that I bought today? No? Hm............. You didn't eat it did you? (I didn't. It's probably in a corner in the fridge and she didn't see it) well, Just want to remind you that too much of a good thing is not necessarily good!
I kept silent. These would have triggered an argument in the past where I tried to explain what I am going through, but none of it would get through to her and emotions would escalate and I would be pushed so much over the edge that I'd just give up talking and plan on another binge, to get rid of my anger, and also to revenge on my mother.
I would think, 'See what you've done now, mum, you've made me eat these unhealthy food and create much much more damage to my body. You see what you've done? You are so wrong about my eating, about everything. I hate you!'
Binge, purge, etc, and then I would say to myself, 'you're such an idiot, why harm yourself to get over some petty comment? Now look what you've done to yourself. You treat yourself like trash. You're a horrible horrible person. What have I done what have I done! Again!!!'
Bomb number 3:
Mum: Have you done your daily exercise yet? Just reminding you...
(ok, I admit I might be a bit too touchy on this one, but it's the morning after the first two, so I'm ready to explode at any comments she makes that's remotely related to diet or weight.)
I kept silent again. I know I'm not ready to confront her with all my emotions and theories again, and I know it's no use anyway, she just doesn't get it! Silence is gold. And I just kept on repeating to myself, 'I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm doing fine, I want to be healthy, I want to be happy. I can do this. I love myself, I love my body. It's ok, I'm ok...' and I kept to my own everyday meal and snack plans. But am feeling a bit upset. Why do I have to deal with this every single day? And what if one day, I am not be able to stand it and explode?
What do you think, am I strong enough and will I be strong enough to fight this in the future? Or should I talk with my mum.... Again....? Or even better, any idea on how to calmly and optimistically take these bombs and turn them into cute fluffy toys that I can hug?
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