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by Robin_Elizabeth
(Essex, UK)

That's the noise I make every day. More than once.

Food is the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about when I go to bed.

I can remember the first time I purged. I had been dieting for 4 months- I say dieting but really I'd simply started to starve myself of ANY food. As far as I was concerned, food was evil, every mouthful, every taste was a threat to my body gaining back 100's of pounds. I know it sounds crazy but the thoughts in my mind were; for example, if I ate a mouthful of bread, I would literally think that my thighs were expanding!

One day my mum gave me an ice cream, most of the time I was able to put food in my mouth and then find a way to spit it out, without being seen, however this time my mum was watching me and I was in a public place. I was stuck. before I knew it the ice cream was gone and I was so anxious about it the first thought in my mind was, "I have to get fid of it!" so I ran to the toilet and purged.

I can remember thinking, how easy it was. At the time, I wasn't "addicted" and I just saw it as a pleasure. It was easy. I could look like I was eating (which pleased my mum) without the risk of gaining weight.

Yet now, I cannot stop. The cravings for food are unfathomable. On some weekends I spend almost all day just binging and purging. My mum wont buy food anymore because in one day I can eat a whole fridge! I hate myself for it. I can see I am damaging myself and my family. Even the drains are suffering!! (Blocked) Now I go outside to purge but the dogs still find the occasional sick pile and then there's yet more rows with my mum, which if I'm honest, only make me do it more, because I'm upset.

I'm 18 and have been doing this for 3 years. I'm totally addicted to it and its ruining my life.

I'm not writing this so that people will read this and feel sorry for me. I did this to myself, and although I am now finally beginning to come to terms that I am bulimic, and go to therapy for help and support, so far I haven't improved, if anything I feel like tis spiralling out of control.

I want my experience to be a warning. I'm still struggling with it everyday. Please if you are out there and feel that purging is the only resort for you, whatever you do, don't do it. Its not worth it. You may think along the lines of, "These people are crazy- I can stop purging whenever I want!" STOP. I used to think that, and it was by far the worst decision of my life! There's no need for it. It will take over your life. Everyone is beautiful and just be happy the way you are.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program