Bipolar and Bulimic
Just recently I was diagnosed Bipolar and have been struggling with severe depression. A lot of things have happened in the past month that have only escalated my moods. The more depressed I get the more I eat. The more I eat, the more I have to throw up. Which just makes me even more depressed, its a vicious cycle.
Funny thing is I thought I had only been struggling from bulimia for about 5 months because I thought it always involved throwing up but now but after reading about the exercise bulimia I have realized I have been for almost two years now. I used to eat about X calories maybe, walk all over my college campus, and then go for about a 4 mile run and go to my crossfit gym and work out. I walked around always feeling so light-headed and every part of my body aching but at the end of the day I always felt so sexy and I felt better than everyone else who didn't constantly workout like me. I know how conceded of me.
Since the depression has gotten worse I never workout so my self esteem is down the drain. I don't want anyone to see me I feel so ugly. The problem is.. I know that it was bad for my body before but I used to feel light as a feather all the time and I want so badly to be look and feel that way. (I warn you this sounds really messed up I know) I was even laying in bed the other day just thinking about how I just wanted to be done with life that life was just too hard I can't handle it. And then I think to myself wait a minute no I can't die yet I have to die pretty, so I told myself to try to push through long enough to lose a few pounds and then I told myself I could end it. I had everything planned out in my head.
I have got to get a hold of my life and I know that this is where I have to begin.
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