Binging isn't a good coping mechanism, so WHY do i do it?
I have had body issues for as long as i can remember. I don't come from a life full of abuse and neglect. I have quite a few problems within myself and my family, but whose family ISN'T messed up? I do not know why i am bulimic i just know that i want to stop. It started about 6 years ago. I ate too much cereal, mindlessly went into the bathroom, got my toothbrush, and made myself sick. I thought i had found the holy grail. The secret to having my cake and eating it too. Boy was i wrong. Ever since that day my life slowly but surely went in a downward spiral. I went from bulimic, to restricting and losing 30 lbs, to binging and purging sometimes & restricting others, etc. I guess it all started with my decision to purge. That's when i began to use negative coping mechanisms like bulimia, anorexia, drugs, alcohol... all to fill the void inside of me. WHAT IS THE VOID? I could not tell you. I do not know why i am so empty inside. I just am. I am trying to teach myself to deal with my emotions now at the age of 19. I just wish i learned how to do this long ago. I honestly cannot just allow myself to feel what i need to feel. Instead i turn to my ED to numb the pain and just forget the problem at hand. I just need help. I have gone 9 days without purging...i suppose. I mean i ate so much last night that i threw up unintentionally because i was so full so i do not know if that counts as purging or not. I just know that i am going to try my hardest to evaluate why i binged and avoid it in the days to come. I know it will be a tough road, especially going at it alone and cold turkey...but i am willing to try my hardest to end this seemingly never ending dance with bulimia.
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