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Binging is my enemy

by Grace
(Australia)

Hi,

I'm currently 16 years old. I'm here to express my story and on going journey about my Binge eating problem.

When I was young I was a naturally skinny, small girl. I ate very little and use to throw my food away to avoid eating it. My parents found out about this situation, I was young and thought that there was nothing wrong with it, although looking back this may have been a sign and path to my horrible binge eating problem that I go through right now in the present time.

I was about 8 or 9 and still very skinny. It was natural though, when I look back now and think to myself, I was young and it was normal. I wasn't developed yet and my body was still growing. Although my family didn't think of this as normal they thought I was 'too skinny' and my sister would always say I was 'anorexic' these remarks and comments made me very insecure about myself. I use to wish I was bigger so I could stop my family from judging me. My father took me to a dietitian as I was 'under weight', he spent $20 on each session which didn't lead anywhere except for a loss of money. The dietitian would weigh me each session (my father use to put magnets in my pocket to make it seem like I gained weight) and she would give me a food timetable to fill up. My father would make sure I ate all my food and watched me like a hawk so I wouldn't try throwing it out. To be honest I struggled to eat one plate of dinner that I could easily demolish now. I was scared to eat food. At that age I couldn't care less about food..food was the last thing on my mind and didn't play a huge part to me at that time. Eventually my father finally realized that I was getting no where seeing a dietitian, I stopped seeing her.

My body was growing yet I was as always, slim. I still continued to eat food and I even stopped throwing my food out. I was still judged and criticized for being 'too skinny' making me more self conscious, wishing I would just gain weight. I always tried to eat more to compete with my sister who was also skinny. Between my sister and I whoever gained weight would get attention from our parents, very silly I know.

As we fast forward time. I was in year 7. Still naturally skinny. At the age of 13 I got my period. This introduced a whole new perspective of change in my emotions and my body. I was developing and growing. I started to want food and enjoyed food, eating whatever I wanted because I knew for a fact that I was skinny and didn't mind gaining weight. Although I would eat the wrong, unhealthy foods such as Mcdonalds, cakes and lollies I was a big sweet tooth although not really for chocolate, which is now one of my worst enemies. As my body was growing I was developing into a young woman. My sister always judged me and made fun of me which she still does to this very day. At that time she changed from calling me 'anorexic' to 'obese' and 'fat'. I pretended like I didn't care what so ever but inside every comment would damage me completely. I would put off this feeling but was always afraid to hear those words. She put an image in my head that I was 'fat' but I was normal and healthy. One day I just broke down at school and finally told my friends what I was experiencing, they thought it was crazy. Like why would someone so skinny be worrying about her weight? Well I was. I cared too much of what people thought of me. My friends supported me and helped me through it. Although those comments got to me, I started to see what my sister said about me 'fat', 'ugly' and a 'loser'. I still put off those feelings and continued to enjoy life and food with no restrictions.

I am now what my past made me today. I'm in year 12. I no longer consider myself 'skinny' although I am still naturally petite. I have gained weight, due to my body developing. But this time my world is no longer free. I feel like I am restricted all the time. I feel like my world is just crashing down piece to piece. In this generation skinny is the new 'trend' Every girl thrives to be skinny and have the box gap. We don't care if we starve ourselves, exercise to the point were our legs feel like jelly. We want those bodies and we compare ourselves to those models all the time. IT SUCKS!

I had become a fitness freak going to the gym everyday, trying to eat healthy. It was all that I would think about, counting calories, counting down days. I'll be honest It did work for about 3 weeks. I started to notice changes, I felt so much better about myself. Although this whole new perspective of trying to be skinny consumed every ounce of energy I had. Which led me to me binging eating after a hard 3 weeks of being good. All the hard work would go down the drain. I beat myself up about it but eventually got back on my feet.

Continuing with this so called trying to be fit plan I did it again for 2 weeks and ended up binging again. It was a non stop cycle. As it has happened to me again just a few minutes ago. The support network of my family is completely useless all they do is judge me. Nearly everyday I would get called fat, ugly, chunky by either my father or sister. Comments like "Going to the gym is a waste of time your still fat""You eat so much no wonder why your so fat" "I feel sorry for you, it's okay to be fat" People don't realize how words can easily destroy someone inside. Everyday I bottle up these emotions, sometimes I cry myself to sleep but mostly I just eat away the pain.

I'll cut to the chase. Everyday I struggle to beat my binge eating problem especially by myself. But the thing is I always get back up on my feet and learn new ways to get through it. I KNOW I CAN DO IT! and I know I can beat it!

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


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