binged and confused
I have been throwing up since the age of 16, i am now 21 and hitting rock bottom. Not in a sense of the amount that i am purging, but i feel my body breaking down daily. I would throw up once a week age 17-19 ish almost 8 times a day.... I eventually began to see a therapist. At 19 i moved across the country and started to pursue a modeling career. The industry itself never made me want to continue the disorder, if anything i grew more confident with myself and my body. Nonetheless, the pressure is on when i need to keep my weight down for specific clients. I worked in Asia for 3 months and had 5 housemates!! i would leave the house to pretend to go skype a friend from home at a cafe, but really I'd be roaming around to up to 6 different restaurants/food marts spending all my weekly allowance on junk food and street food then i would come home and take a shower (aka throw up). sometimes when the shower was in use or the toilet was acting funny i would purge in a plastic bag (one time my housemate almost walked in!) AHH, and i hated doing this, but i recall throwing the plastic bag full of puke out the window. ew. living out of the house since the age of 19 I have encountered many life situations that tested my ability to have control over my disorder... I remember being in nyc this past fall and i was walking around everywhere, barely binging...i was happy...i even remember going 4 days without purging without even thinking...i would space out my meals and replace meals throughout the day so i wouldn't binge or feel the need to throw up. Success made me happy. Positive feedback in my career. I finally was returning to my home in washington state for my 21st birthday in mid December and Christmas with my family, i went to LA for 3 days to celebrate my 21st, when i returned home my dad told me my mom had died the night before of a heart attack. THIS, was my traumatic moment. My mom knew about my disorder, we had fought about it in the past, but after the anger she was there to talk and support me... I was supposed to be going to Japan for two months starting in January but held off the trip. Mostly because I had gained 10 lbs from all the stress and binge cycles... It's now almost May and I need to lose weight to get my career going again. I feel ashamed that that is the only thing holding me back and i have no one to talk to about it anymore. I was never able to purge in the house bc if i were to over eat or go to the bathroom my mom would always call me out. Now i just live with my dad and he is so clue less and there is no way i could ever feel comfortable talking to him about it anyways. From his perspective he knows i need to lose weight to see agencies but sees me eating tons of junk (little does he know I'm going to throw it up!!). I want to be healthy. I know how. I just need to rid this demon somehow, need help, pronto.
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