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Binge eating fitness expert

by Mag

I've been an athlete all my life, staying active has always been my lifestyle. When deciding on what I wanted to do with my life I chose exercise. Since I've already been working out all my life playing sports, why not continue on and help other people work out.
My weight problems started in college. Yes, I was a victim of the freshmen X. Once volleyball season ended I started gaining weight rather quickly. I was able to get it off when our workouts started back up, but continued to yo yo throughout my college years. Nobody really noticed my weight too much because I've always been tall and thin so I was able to hide it a little more with my height. After college when I moved out on my own I gained a significant amount of weight. I was close to X lbs at 5'11. Now my bmi said I was in the normal range if I weighed between X-X so I kept saying I wasn't that bad. When I finally decided to put myself on a strict diet, I dropped down to X within a couple months. I was so pleased with myself and I never felt better. I was getting all this extra attention at work and I felt great. I decided to drop off the diet slightly and indulge a little more on the weekends. So I would be really strict on weekdays and go a little crazy on the weekends. I would gain close to X lbs over the weekend and then just lose it during the week. At first it was easy because I knew how easy it was to lose weight if I just worked hard enough. Then it became a little more difficult with holidays and parties and eating bad during the week. I became almost discouraged and depressed that I wasn't loosing weight as easily anymore. I went through a horrible breakup with my boyfriend of 5 years. My diet was fine for awhile but we kept in contact and he was always stressing me out. I couldn't leave him 100% alone though because then I would be 100% alone. That year was when the binging really started. I've lived alone on and off when my ex was away at times. But now I was really alone. I didn't want him, but I really didn't want anyone else because I couldn't see someone wanting to be with me. I've always been a loner, and it's my fault for not staying in touch with people very well. But I'm introverted and I feel like people give up on me easily. I've had a few friends I've called my best friends but something would always happen that would ruin it. I've always been the nice one who kind of would get taken advantage of. Now I don't get taken advantage of because I just won't talk to those kinds of people anymore. But I feel like all people are assholes
Most of the time and just care about themselves. I have a huge family and feel like I can only count on them. But why can't I keep any friends?
I believe all this loneliness has been the cause of my binge eating. Since I restrict so much during the week I end up going absolutely crazy on the weekends. I eat and eat and eat until I can barely breath! I try and hide in other rooms when people are around. But I do most of my binging when I'm alone. It feels great while I'm
Doing it, but afterwards I'm too full and feel disgusted and ashamed of myself. I give people healthy eating tips all the time while were working out. Tips I find easy to follow during the week. But then I go into binge mode and it's like I'm an out of control animal! I workout like a mad woman during the week to try and get my body back together. But I feel like I'm just destroying myself and all my hard work when I binge. My knees are ready to give out at age 26 from all the extra activities I've been doing over the years. This year has just been a really bad one for me. I've been able to get down to my happy weight numerous times, but I've never been able to stay there. When I look at the scale and it's bad I get even more depressed and all I want to do is binge. Why am I binging?! I know what I'm doing is bad and I know it's not going to fix my emotional problems. I know I have to find more of a balance, but whenever I try to balance eat, certain "bad" foods trigger a binge. Salty and sweet are my weaknesses and when you put them together I'm even worse. How can I not diet if most foods trigger binges? When I'm eating healthy I feel great and I'm never even hungry. But when I looe my head I lose it all, except weight that is. And I'm still not that heavy. If you looked at me with clothes on you would think I'm crazy. But for the way I workout I should have a rocking hard body. Nobody understands how I feel because they all tell me I'm crazy because I'm skinny. I've gotten really good at hiding my fat, and it mainly only goes straight to my stomach.

How can a strong woman be this weak?!?
Ps I've never blogged before so I know this story is probably too long and all over the place. I don't even want to reread it because I'll be changing stuff all night! I need help, any suggestions?

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program