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Being A Bulimic In Another World ; A Girl in The State Of Loneliness

by Arzu Cetinkaya

Hi Everyone; Thank y`all for being brave and sharing your stories and thanks to Shaye that she created that site and sharing a lot of things about eating disorders for no money.

My name is Arzu and i have been bulimic over 17 months. It started in my last year of college. One of my friend was going to engage and I needed to lose weight and i was a little chubby so i wanted to do it with her. We started to do the Swedish Diet.14 days it worked and we walked, worked out ate together. On my last night on this diet i bought my favourite chocolate and hid under my pillow and when the clock was showing 12:00 am i opened and enjoyed it. What a feeling it was. I was saying to myself it is okay Arzu you won't gain weight with eating a chocolate. Everybody was saying how good i was looking and i liked it. Next day we went for a walk with my friend and came home and ate a lot of foods and desserts and we didn't care. I gained what i lost with dieting. I was getting crazy. My roommate was so skinny and i waas always watching her, the way she puts her clothes on, how good she looks, how she eats but i didn't stop binge eating. Till that times there was no sign of binge eating or bulimia. I wasnt that obsessive. And the girl i was dieting with she was trying to make me eat less but who cares more sweet more fried foods more goods. One day we were having lunch and she said she found a way to lose weight quickly and i liked that idea and i asked her what it was. She said 'throwing up' that way you can eat anything you want and you dont gain weight - it was easy to like that and lazy as well. I asked her if she tried she was like once or twice! My first time was in her bathroom. It dint work i used my finger but it was hard. Then another time it worked i was happy that i could keep doing it if i can do it once. I did it in my house my roommate went to bathroom right after me and smelled the vomit and asked me if i did it i lied she made me sware i didnt stop. And in the summer i was looking great and eating a lot and all the people around me liked me more. I put on my mind if i look skinny everybody is gonna like me. And they were like how did you do it you look great!

I was getting happier and enjoying my fake achievement. I was telling them i was drinking a lot of green tea, club soda, riding bike. They beileved it. That part of my story was in Turkey. I came to U.S after 5 months and kept doing it. America was the paradise for me for everything you can imagine: parties, friends, guys, foods. The worse part food: fried meals, fattening foods, sweets they were all cheap. I bought food from gas stations and went home and thrown up. I went dinner with my friends and throw up. I lost the control but i gained weight because i had more responsibility i worked as a server so i had to take care of my customers. It didn't give me that much time to throw up but it didn't stop me to eat my sweets my extra large amount foods. And being a server, working around foods, being able to get them. That was the paradise for me to get more foods and taking them out of system but it messed me up because i wasnt okey for working long hours, getting tired all the time, and having red eyes were making me upset. I couldnt break the cycle for a long time and one time i was eating with my co worker. I was eating a god damn cake i knew i was gonna throw it up. She asked me why i eat a lot of bread and sweets. I couldnt stop crying. I told her the truth. I was Bulimic. She cried with me. I felt better. But didnt work, and one time i was working at night and i was upset, anxious and cried and talked to my co worked about that. That night was a miracle for me. She changed my mind. She said i was beautiful and have a great heart. She became a mirror. I knew i had a great heart but the way she was talking to me was so inspiring. It worked. I was like "oh my God" i made sure i quit. One month i never did it and one time i got mad upset about myself and my appearance and my relationship with a guy and i did it. I said to myself this made you feel good didnt it? After that i went back to my cycle. Never got out. After that time it has been 5 months and i'm still bulimic but i know a lot of things i read a lot about it, try to break the cycle, trying harder, but i am still scared what if it comes in a minute, that feeling, craving the sweets and eating more than i should, in these days i am not ashamed of what i am. Many of my friends know this and it doesnt make me feel bad or sad. It makes me feel more brave and stronger because i know they love me and want me to be okey.

There is an exit of this cycle i know that and i believe it. I dont wanna go to therapy but not because i dont want it. It is a lot of money and i cant tell my parents to pay for me they don't even know what i am bulimic! There are a lot of hands with big hearts helping me with talking or hugging me or givin me a napkin when i cry... I will be okey i believe that...

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program