I was fifteen when I started bulimia. I was always overweight as a child, not "fat" just "chunky". I dealt with it, though. I would hate myself, but I didn't think there was anything I could do about it. Then I discovered bulimia. Finally! I could eat what I want and lose weight! And I thought I was smart about it, too. "If I eat this and throw up, then after I can drink hot tea to make my throat better, take a few vitamins and, maybe eat a banana." I would drink milk and tea religiously, and- on the rare days I decided to eat- I would eat bananas, or beans. "Electrolytes," was all I thought. My family thought I was crazy about bananas. Until one day, I clogged the bathtub. I had a barbecue that day; I ate a hotdog, chips, cookies, drank a LOT of soda. Just went for it. And then I threw up. I felt terrible all day, as though the food hadn't completely left my stomach. When I went home I decided I had enough. I wanted to throw up again-I NEEDED to throw up again. So, I ate. I ate a bunch again, and afterwards I went to my bathroom and threw up in the tub. It was my regular place to throw up so I didn't think much of it. I was just relieved to feel empty again. But when the food wouldn't disappear, panic set in. I kept trying to make it go away, I was praying for it to just go down the drain; making promises never to throw up again if it would just GO AWAY. But, it didn't. I panicked and told my mom I was sick and something happened. She tried to help me without telling my dad. He would have gotten angry if he found out I clogged the tub. But it didn't work, and he found out. There was a bunch of crying on my part, and my mom just didn't understand why, if I was feeling sick, I went for the tub and not the toilet. (Our toilet wouldn't flush the food properly, it took a bunch of flushes.) I was done. I lay that night before bed realizing that this was affecting everyone and not just me. My parents kept having to buy food to keep up with my habits. I was done being selfish. When I woke up the next morning I had broccoli and celery.and tea. I resisted the urge to puke and it worked. That was three days ago. Still recovering, I was bulimic for almost a year. But I haven't thrown up or shoved my fingers down my throat in three days, and I feel so much less stress, it's amazing. I even think my stomach is starting to remember hunger. Right now, in this moment, I think I'm hungry. I'm going to have a burrito and it's going to be freaking awesome. Sure, I make myself eat the healthy foods only, but I don't care. I'm done with bulimia.
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