Bacon, eggs, ice cream, candy, and potato chips...
It feels never ending. I have been bulimic since I was 16. I am now 27.
11 years later, and I'm still wasting my time eating mindlessly and carefully orchestrating every time I go into the bathroom to throw up. How I close the door, how I get my fingers wet before thrusting them down my throat, how I try not to splatter the disgusting shrapnal of puke that hits the sides of the toilet and sometimes my legs. Graphic right. I am so embarassed, but why do I keep doing it then...?
I'm honestly sick of asking myself this question, and after reading some other posts, at least I know I'm not completely alone.
I could go on about how it all began back 11 years ago, but I've done that already. I've talked to shrinks, been to the hospital, been to doctors, I KNOW WHY it started, but all that is just dirty napkins now. I want to get rid of it, not dwell on what happened and why I chose this 'wonderful' habit as my scapegoat.
I have my good days and bad days. Most of them would be considered 'bad' in an anti-bulimic's eyes. A good day for me is doing it only once, or not at all, usually by the next day it is all I crave to do. It's like smoking crack and wanting more...and yes... I've even tried that. It helped while I was doing it, but made it ten times worse in the long run. So I can not smoke crack anymore, but I can't get over this...? What the hell is wrong with me?
Bulimia has followed me through high school, college, 3 serious boyfriends, lots of family trouble, lots of good things as well, and it (the bulimia) is in full swing as I get my career in order.
Its like the fly that just will not go away. I keep swatting it, but I'm getting to the point of laziness where I hope it will eventually die. Problem is, a fly can only die of starvation or age if nothing is trying to squash it...I'm not squashing it, and I'm sure not starving it. In fact, I give this bug enough fuel to last into the next three centuries. I feel like a pugnant piece of skunk doo doo. And still I allow this wrath to continue to control me.
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