Away from home, away from loved ones... together with my frenemy, Bulimia.
by Marion Cathness Izon
(Markham, ON, Canada)
It was almost a year from now that I arrived here in Canada. It was a big stepping stone for my career but also the the reason how I met my friend and my enemy, Bulimia.
Within my first month here, I felt so alone, bored and I found comfort when I eat. Not knowing I was on my way to a bulimic pattern of eating, I just kept on eating what I want, most of it are junkies. I love chocolate and chips. Most of the time, I would buy many junkies and keep it on my closet and eat discreetly. I can't count the times when I would hurry up and munch down on any food on the pantry or fridge when no one is home but me.
Sometimes when I go alone at the mall, I would take the chance to eat at a fast food by myself. It took sometime for me to admit that something was wrong, although I don't puke, I compensate by exercising or using laxative or dieting only to go back to bingeing again.
I searched the internet to find answers, and it was like a bulb lighted in my head. I was happy I knew what I'm going through and lonely that I had to go through this. I know I shouldn't be like this, and I never wanted to be like this. But I know that I am not me when I binge, that's how I always felt, like there's someone controlling me, that I'm out of my head. I figured out what caused me to be like this is my loneliness, being far away from home, without someone I can truly lean on.
I shared what I was going through with my sister and my boyfriend, but not all details of it. I was still going through a yo-yo dieting, losing and gaining. My most doomed times was last winter, that I reached Xlbs, which is Xlbs more before I arrived here.
There were a lot of times when I would just cry and keep asking myself, "Why am I doing this?". Even if I know all the reasons why, I still can't truly change. Maybe because I still don't have someone who can be with me. The place I'm living and who I'm living with also plays a big role, but how can I get out of here when I have nowhere to go?
While I'm writing this, I'm alone in my room, my stomach full and I feel so doomed. But I hope, and I always keep on hoping that tomorrow would be a better day for me.
I pray that one day I would find a new home, discover new friends and family and say goodbye to Bulimia for good.
sending all my love and hope for all the bulimics like me...