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At first it didn't seem so bad

by Peter
(Hove, United Kingdom )

I’m a nineteen-year old guy. I’m a university student and been bulimic since I was fourteen. Growing up I didn’t have many friends. I was a bit over-weight and socially awkward. A good Friday night would be sitting in front of the computer eating anything I’d gotten my hands on. I wasn’t bulimic then but I had developed a behaviour where food worked as a substitute for my social life.

Then I started to get older. Appearance got more and more important and seeing other people with nice bodies made me jealous. One evening when I was fourteen, I had bought a load of junk food to eat while watching a movie. I don’t know where I got the idea, but I figured that if a threw up the bag of crisps I’d just eaten, I wouldn’t add any fat to my doughy stomach. After that, I didn’t throw up relatively often, but it occurred once in a while every month. Around this time I started to work out and mostly eat very healthy. I ate healthy food during the weekdays and ate junk food during the weekend in which I would purge afterwards. I knew this was a bulimic behaviour but I didn’t see it as a problem.

Then it went downhill – big time. I got accepted into a university in England and moved there. I was in a foreign country, didn’t know a single soul and felt constant pressure of settling down in a new environment. My way of handling stress was (is) to binge, followed by purging. Before I didn’t see my bulimia as a problem but now it has become an obsessive behaviour. I have to binge at least once a day. I even leave social events early to get a chance to binge before going to bed. It’s hurting me financially, physically and especially mentally. I’m terrified of telling anyone. I know that if I tell my friends or family they will get me some help. But if I fail to recover they will know what I’m doing every time I come home with a bag filled with food. I’m sorry that this story is anything but inspirational, but maybe there’s someone who’ll feel less alone in their situation.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program