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ash's story, age 13, hooked on bulimia

by Ash
(United States)

Before I start I think you should know a bit of who I am...

I knew I'd never be healthy, in one way or another i was sick, both mentally and physically. At age 6 i was diagnosed with OCD, for me it was very severe. At the time OCD was fairly new, and it was VERY RARE for a young child to have it. I didn't understand why i could not just be happy and not have to worry about germs or soap, or why i had to be put through therapy or research at the national institute of health. all i knew was that i was different and half of my family hated me for it.

I hated myself so much i remember wishing i was dead, i wanted to be dead at age 6. Anyway as the years went on i learned to hide my OCD, i would come home from school and lock myself in my bathroom and cry for hours. My parents loved me dearly but wanted to believe i was fine, so i let them.

Sometimes I'd be so sad that i would binge eat until I'd throw up, but not on purpose. When i was about 11 years old i became obsessed with aerobics and calorie counting, i would even cut out entire food groups, i just wanted to be thin. When i looked in the mirror i hated myself, i felt ugly and fat. I thought if i was skinny my brother and parents would love me, when in reality they already did.

My brother and i would sometimes get into fights and he'd call me fat or ugly and he would even tell me I'd drown in my own fat. I actually believed what he said, though deep down i knew he didn't mean it, he was just angry at the moment.

I thought that if i was thin I'd be happy, i didn't want to feel so sad anymore. So, when i was 12 i stopped eating, at dinner time I'd stuff my napkin with my food and hide it, later at night I'd get up to throw it away...

I was so hungry and even more depressed, i wanted help so badly, but even when i tried to get help the doctors told me i didn't need it, i was fine, oh how wrong they were...

By the time i was 13 i still hadn't dropped too much weight, i wanted to be thinner and beautiful, so i became bulimic...

I'll never forget the first time i threw up, it was January 21st, I went with my mom to the movies to see black swan. I asked her to buy me a large bucket of popcorn and a large icey, I forced everything down and when the movie was over I forced down a large pizza. My parents were thrilled to see me eating, if only they knew what i had planned to do with that food...

As soon as i finished eating i went upstairs and swallowed 18 ipecac tablets at once, immediately i threw up, but in that very hour i felt horrible, i thought I'd die, i even passed out just throwing up. but i felt in control, i didn't want to stop in spite of the physical pain of throwing up.

I planned to be bulimic for only two months but I was wrong, I was HOOKED, I could not stop. sometimes I'd even throw up 15 times a day, sometimes i still do.

In the three months I've been bulimic I've stopped my period, cant seem to get warm, have developed severe skin problems, feel extremely weak, developed weird mood swings, my nails are breaking, by stomach is constantly cramping, my vision has worsened a lot, I have developed a heart murmur, and I have dropped XX pounds.

LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW, IF ALL THIS CAN AND HAS HAPPENED TO ME IN THREE MONTHS THINK OF WHAT CAN HAPPEN IN MORE TIME! DON'T DO IT, YOU WILL BECOME HOOKED! PLEASE I'M FIGHTING BULIMIA EVERYDAY ALONE! PLEASE DON'T KILL YOURSELF LIKE I AM! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR ASKING FOR!

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program