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Anorexia, to Anorexia binge purge, to bumilia with anorexic tendencies

by Jessica

My life seems to just be an eating disorder, I can never just be me.
I think it just started from needing some control in my life.
Going from x stone to x stone in two months and stayed there for about 7months. Then from that to x stone in another 8months. And now, in 6months from x stone to x stone...
My weight and measurements are my life...a club that I seem to have got into, a life style that I have got into....but i want to get out of more than anything.

I want to be normal again.

After suffering with Anorexia...its like my body just wants everything all the time...and just want to eat all the time.

On a normal day i will get eat enough to keep me going, and to do all the exercise that i do....this isnt enough food by any means at all, but i hate the thought of being full unless i am going to purge.
But there are some days where i will plan a binge, buy loads of food and just eat purge eat purge eat purge until i cant take anymore.
And there are some days where i will just purge a normal amount of food.

I would love to be a personal trainer, and have wanted to for some time.
I am now very fit due to all the exercise that i do, and my eating disorder is 'reducing'...but it is no where near gone.

I want to get better, I cant be a personal trainer and have an eating disorder.
I want to lead by example, and not just say all these things to clients, I need to make them own morals too...

I cant wait for the day when i wake up, and purging is not the first thing on my mind.
I cant wait for the day when starving myself is not on my mind.
I cant wait for the day that i wake up my normal self. The self that smiles and means it.

I am recovering, but i feel like i am doing it alone.
And am i really recovering? or am i just going around in circles?....only to end up anorexic again.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program