(Westchester, New York)
It has been slightly over a year since I first made myself throw up. I did it before I went to a high school house party, and at this party I hooked-up with an extremely attractive guy who had a mysterious tattoo on his wrist. I still think about him sometimes, even though I've had two boyfriends (though it went pretty terribly with both of them) since. I weighed myself after the party and I had lost X pounds. My scale is **** with accuracy, but this seemed like a message. Bulimia then became a part of my life.
My sickness got out of control in a four month period I spent at a semester school program, and looking back this probably contributed to the month long yeast infection I sustained without knowing what it was. Now I'm getting better (I'm going to start Dialectical Behavior Therapy soon) and trying to stay on my feet or butt rather than knees (haha get it?) at all times. Both of my short-lived boyfriends knew about the eating disorder, and they had very different responses. Frank, who was my friend before anything got romantic, even told me he tried to make himself throw up to see how it felt to me. WEIRD, right? He said it felt degrading to him, and though I never would have used that adjective I can see where he was coming from. Pete, bf number two, never wanted to talk about it. Well, Pete never wanted to talk much. Pete was pretty weird.
I'm saying a not-so-happy anniversary to my eating disorder, which I feel has almost become a part of who I am. I feel it has added a layer of depth to me. I've always loved to write poetry, and struggling with bulimia has given me depth I don't think I could have otherwise achieved. However, I know I can still be deep without vomiting. A year is enough time to struggle with this.
This website is one of the only places where actual consequences of bulimia are listed in a coherent way. Thank you for helping me step back. I wish everyone well, and I hope we can all find other ways to cope with our pain and emotions that won't give us heart attacks.
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