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Last year i went to another country for an exchange in school, as soon as i came back, i thought everything would be the same as it was a year ago.

I started hanging out with my friends again and we saw each other almost EVERY day. One day, Ana, one of my best friends introduced me to some of her friends and there was one in particular who i thought was really cute. we started talking a lot and we went out a couple of times. we would talk almost every day and when i talked about him to Ana, she told me not to get involved with him, he had a girlfriend and she did in want me to get hurt. i had NO IDEA that he had a girlfriend! anyways we still kept talking a lot and he invited me to many of his plans, i got to a point where i started seeing him more than i saw Ana and i think THATS WHY we stopped talking.

At the same time, i started going out with Marie, another of my best friends, however during my trip, Ana and Marie had become best friends. Because Marie was in my school and Ana had changed to another one 2 years ago, i went out with marie many more times than i did with ana who i used to see and talk to every day before i left!

The feeling of having lost my best friend (we weren't talking at that time at all) and knowing that i could never have any type of relationship with a guy i really really liked, made me feel awful.

one day i was home and i started crying by thinking in all that was going on at the time.. i started eating uncontrollably and had soooooo much food i felt i was going to explode! i ran into the bathroom and threw up everything i had eaten. i felt guilty because i had never done it before; but at the same time i LOVED it! i mean being able to eat as much as i could and then losing all the weight i gained by just throwing up at night, was great!

And so i started doing it every night and even some times at school, i started to eat much less than i used to (i ate A LOT before) i lost a lot of weight but one of my friends, marie, was getting worried because she knew me very well and knew there was something wrong with me.

I decided to tell her about my "problem" and she was shocked but at the same time she was kind of expecting it. Since that day, she tries to make me eat more and more every day and I've managed to do it little by little.

However, today is the day i cried again (same issue) and again threw up all i had eaten. Its been 3 months since it happened for the first time and i haven't been able to stop at all. The throwing up hurts, and i know its terrible for my body, BUT IT MAKES ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER, I FEEL LIKE EVERY TIME I THROW UP, A SMALL PART OF MY PROBLEMS GOES DOWN THE TOILET WITH IT.


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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program