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and once again I find myself on day 1

by danielle

here I am again on day 1........... The first day of my "new life". The first day of eating normally. The first day of no more binging. The first day of being good and perfect........
Not only is day 1 always the first day of starting to eat normally, it is a re-start of my life. I am starting my life all over again. I buy a new note book, diary, buy new anti-cellulite creme, buy new diet pills, do a "spring cleaning" of my house (even clean my car), I decide to be a better mother (no more screaming, patience, be a perfect mother whatever that might mean). I re-start my exercise program, I find myself a "new way" of dieting with different rules, timelines and goals........Find myself a new nutrionist, a new psychologist. I get myself a spa day to restart the dieting fresh or start a new LPG or other anti-cellulite treatment....
In any way from day 1 I need to be perfect!!! I am "re-born" to be a perfect girl...... And I do this every time. About 20 times per year!!!!!! Can you imagine what that costst? How time consuming it is?
Which is funny in some way because I know that this is most probably the biggest trigger of my binging. I know it but I do it anyway because I want control, I want to be perfect!!!

I do not throw up, I exercise and diet to lose my weight. I run marathons....... up to a couple of months ago. I am injured and I can't run otherwise I risk a fracture. So I diet.....once again. And I am lost and alone. I am scared because I really want to recover this time but so far I havent been able to so why know?
I have been dealing with this for 18 years. My brain does not know any different than the diet-binge-diet-binge ritual. How can I break that? How can I beat something so strongly wired in my brain?

So diet, deprivation and to many restrictions is number 1 reason. Number 2 is the so called neural pathway that has been wired after 18 years and number 3......the emptiness........

It feels sooooo good to fill myself up. When I eat, I am warm, excited, not alone, happy, feel no need to be perfect, feel no comptetion, don't feel like I need to meet other people's expectations...... I am whole......
I know I should find something else in my life that makes me feel like that but I do not know what. I mean, I am 38. I should maybe know by now what makes me feel good right?!
And I have seen a ton of psychologists and there is nobody who can help me to love myself, help me to get a better self esteem. How do I do that? I put all my self esteem through my looks. I am really pretty and (during my diet period) have an amazing body. When I have lost my weight, take care of myself I can handle the world beacuse I feel so good about myself. All my self esteem is in the way I look. Looking good, that is what I am good at!!!!! I have no other real talents or am extremely good at something. I didnt finish university. I am not extraordinarily nice or generous or loving. I have actually not much to make me feel good about myself. So I choose trying to be the prettiest, best looking mom at school. The most perfect wife. The one that other people or jealous of. I can beat them all......
So when I am in my binge period I am a nobody, a looser. I need to hide, be ashamed, be embarrased of myself because I am nothing!!!!
I am a 38 year old stay at home brainless, bored mom with absolutely no passion or hobbies looking like nothing!!!
I feel dizzie now, I am scared to become sick and never get better. I need help. Can I really do it this time? Can I really get better?

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