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An ongoing battle...

by Rebecca S.M
(Swansea, Wales. UK)

The first thing I think which people deserve to know when reading this is that I am still suffering from bulimia.. This story is simply for me not bottle things up anymore. Nothing is more worse than knowin that no one in your family or outside has or is experiencing this for me to feel comfortable to explain the extent of my illness.

As far as my memory serves me I have been bulimic since 15 years old. That's about 6yrs ago now..
I was always a fairly thin child, but during the years when I was 11-15, I gained dramatic weight which at the time I didn't notice, and more importantly didn't care too much either.
My obsession to lose weight began when I was 15, I was upon that age where puberty was being kind for many people, and everyone was being noticed. No doubts I had a few crushes myself, but unbeknown to my friends (who were all sizes X/X) they seemed to have all the interests. Uncanny how I was never even looked at once. Honestly speakin I wasn't lookin for a relationship at that age, but just a little attention. Just for reassurance. Then April 2008, I got with my first boyfriend. And what do you know? He was stick thin, wasn't ill, but just naturally very thin. This urged me more in my own mental thinkin that "how do we suit, when he's so thin, and I'm a pudgy fat plump?" He never commented on my weight, and although we're not together today, I won't strip him off his credit, because he always harped on that I was fine the way I was. Tbh, it didn't matter what anyone said. I WANTED TO BE THIN and FAST!
It started with cuttin down on my portions at the beginning, little by little everyday, so no one in my house would notice much difference. Eventually that ever so minute amount of consumption became my enemy and I decided even that needed to go. Every meal I would run to the bathroom to stick my index finger down my throat, and throw the food back out. It felt amazing to suck my stomach in and feel like I had nothing inside. Over the years I went from a size X-X, by now my parents noticed the constant bathroom trips but I just said it was simply because I drank too much water, that water was naturally being vomited from my mouth. They bought it!
By 18, an index finger wasn't doin the trick anymore, it turned into 2 fingers. Once again this happened every meal. This had now become an obsession. My situation deteriorated when I was sexually molested at several points throughout my college years. I didn't speak of it until my current boyfriend entered my life in 2010. I found a true friend & companion whom I felt I could open upto. He understood perfectly, never questioned it even once & resolved my issues for me. Till this day he's there besides me tryin his utmost best alongside my family to help me recover bulimia.
I think its important to note that my current boyfriend is also extremely thin, but very healthy :) he keeps himself fit, eats very well but has a high metabolism. Once again even bein a size X, it didn't suffice me at all..
During these times I had ruptured my oesophagus twice, bleed quite heavily from it too.. Right now my voice is broken, I cannot eat any solids anymore because of the pain this causes, its safe to say I have closed it up & severed it that badly...
I am now a size X/X, and this may sound sick but I feel its still not thin enough.. :/ lately my throat is in severe pain but I'm too afraid to tell my family about it. I have gone this far to stick a toothbrush down my throat, & only on one occasion because the toothbrush didn't achieve any puke. I grabbed an adhesive sealant and used the pointed end to insert down my throat.
I know & am fully aware what I am walkin towards. I am basically askin to unintentionally choke myself one day by usin such extreme means. I chew gum 24/7, even in my sleep I refuse to spit it out.
Knowin I can see my collarbone pokin out, my ribs, my ring sizes having to keep bein cut down anter size every few months satisfies me that little more.
I am in a vicious cycle, and i want to stop but its not for me :/ its only so I don't damage myself to the extent where I become infertile. I have all my dreams panned out before to spend with my family & boyfriend, but frankly speakin no, I don't want it to stop because its worked so well to help me be this thin but I admit this much I am carrying a death wish in my hands...

first two pictures are of what I was like at 15, the latter 2 are how I am now

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


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