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by Jane

My bad, I had to look this word up in a medical dictionary. My periods had stopped for a few months after beginning a new diet, again, and over-exercising,and doing the water pill purge. I also had work, and school, and an old fart to look after, and boy did he always seem to pull my leg just as i was walking out the door. I was so flustered with my whole entire entrappment of living a Nightmare. The only freedom that I had still, or so it seemed, was to pee, and exercise, and run errands for Everyone Else in the family but me,myself,and I. I was constantly trying to break the sonic barriar, and rid myself of the last X pounds that weighed me down. I'm still trying to achieve this goal even now as I vent. I eat right, exercise,take a moderate daily dose of both fiber and water pills. I drink a protein lunch daily, and have mostly veggies for dinner. Then usually every night I exercise religiously at my local gym, doing circuits for 15 minute intervals. Now it seems as though I must stay at the gym for 1.5 hrs a day or more. It's like I have built up a tolerance for what usual exercise will do for a person who is trying to lose weight. I am amanorrehiac from all this exercising and focusing on my body and of how much it weighs, or how big and bloated I feel on a daily basis. I would love to walk into Macy's and try on all the latest Calvin Klein business suits, just because I could fit in them, and because of curiousity and a bit of vanities sake too , I suppose. But NO I feel like I am doing everything I can to lose weight, and every time I weigh myself, I feel so sad that nothing is helping me feel control and success in my weight loss attempts. I feel as though I have a "Secret Stalker" who is filling my body with thousands of calories nightly, or fluids at least. Just in spite of my desire to lose weight. I want to actually enjoy my summer vacation this year. I want to fit into a decent bathing suit, just so I can swim laps during the summer. Am I asking much of myself? I think not! But I feel persecuted in numerous ways. I walk extra to collect a hamburger 1/2 a mile away from the old fart I take care of. Then, after I have waited PATIENTLY at the cross light, and the light finally turns green, including the PEDESTRIAN SYMBOL too. Thus, as I proceeded to cross, and was about 8 ft into the crosswalk, a huge Mercedes SUV almost broadsides me with two black haired broads in the front seats,laughing after I froze, and saw my entire short life pass. Then, they didn't have the decency to allow me to even finish crossing, but continued on after watching me freeze in horror. They couldn't honk, or at least yell out the window, "Oh , sorry---US bad--your green light." No they drove in front of me, and for two days aftyer this incident, of when I tried exercising my freedom to walk to the damm Burger King a 1/2 mile from my house, my eyes hurt with grit in them. Oh, and to make matters worse, a police car was in the u-turn lane, that was in the road where I was crossing, and didn't even pull those people over to at the least give them a warning. This just floored me even more. I was so upset, picking up my clients diner, that my hands were sweating, and my Burger King bag broke, and french fries went flying everywhere, along with the 2 burgers, which I had to collect off the pavement and carry on in my Merry way back "home" to deliver his food, in my shaken up, frenzied,fragile state of mind. The cop meanwhile, passed me up, instead of going to the left and went to the car that was stuck in the "Fast lane" during 4:30, Friday the 13th,traffic rush. He pushed his car with his police car, but never bothered to turn his nose and see how shaken I was over almost becoming "Road Pizza" as a result of the red light runner as I had been crossing Very legally within my Right as a USA citizen, and Law Abiding one at that too!!!!!!!!!!
I lost my (Heart in San Francisco), no really I lost my appetite, in addition to my eyes being all gritty from the pavement which had been spattered into my eyes. I was so anxious, that even 1.5 weeks after that I came home after food shopping for the people that I care for, and felt so dizzy that I thought that was how my life was going to end, boring and uneventful, and so tight with stress that I could not even breath. Plus, I have asthma , induced by all these filthy rugs around the house, and the dirty classrooms which I teach in as a substitute teacher too. I just feel so powerless, and very angry at all the things I work so hard to accomplish, including waiting patiently for the correct color crosslight, and yet universally being penalized at the wordly and psychic level for all that I do right. In my rightness I am wronged, and feel even more overwhelmed, and out of control in this Already way out of control universe. This too makes me lose my appetite out of sadness and misery. Is anything done RIGHT anymore? NoBody seems to Respect Anybody. the whole world is Narcissistic, and God has no one in his hands. What has happened to human kindness, and all good in this world of evil, and evil dooers? I lose my appetite over this too???Goodbye for now, I hope that one day I feel happiness and vigor, and all my energy regained, and all my excess ass spread lost. I hope to be X pounds lighter, and I will think positively for good things to happen in the world, at least in my small world of the USA,CA. I will continue to try and set good examples in spite of ALL the bad out there. And, yes I am human and will get weird and pissed off if you almost turn me into "Cream of Potato" soup in the middle of the road, as I cross the street after waiting 3 minutes for the blessed traffic signal to finally see my side of the road too.


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