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Am I really bulimic?

by Dauna
(Canada)

I don't know if I am actually bulimic or not and I don't want to talk to my doctor about this until I am complete sure because it would mortify me if he thought I was just overeating (overeating=no discipline, bulimia= help is available). I was always a chubby kid. Looking back now I was not nearly as fat as I thought, but my dad thought he was helping and encouraging me when he would lecture me countless times on how I needed to eat better and exercise to lose weight because nobody wanted to be friends with a fat girl because she can't do anything. Obviously this did not help me to lose weight. I continued to gain weight while binging, even at such a young age I was sneaking food. I think I was 14 when I started to purge after binging. I watched my friend do it and I was grossed out and when I tried it hurt so much that I stopped. But after a particularly full binging session my mindset was made up and in shoved that toothbrush down my throat until everything came out. It doesn't hurt to do it now. I am now 19 and I weigh 280 lbs. I can't remember ever eating just to give my body fuel and not thinking about my weight while eating. I have b/p in the next room of my parents, in restaurants, at my grandma's house, but mostly when I'm at home alone. I am so ashamed of doing this while being so overweight. I feel like I just need to have enough discipline and I can stop on my own but then I get this craving, a craving to just eat everything in sight. I work in a kitchen where I can take home leftovers so there is ALWAYS food available to me free of charge. A bulimic's dream. The night before I have a day off (like last night) I go into the kitchen when no one is there and I fill a grocery bag with enough food to give me at least 4 good purges. What does that mean if I plan my binges? I just want to be able to eat normally and feel good about my body, but I can't feel good about my body when I look like this. My self confidence feels fine but then I will see a full sized picture of me while bending over and I see how bad I've actually gotten. Or I'll see a picture of my face and I think, my face doesn't look that fat when I look in the mirror. What does this all mean? I want to know for sure before I talk to my doctor!

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


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