Am I Bulimic?
I am 44 years old, the mother of 5 and I fear that I am headed down the path to bulimia...
It seems like I have been overweight my entire life. I am 5'2" and weigh X pounds. At my heaviest I was X. I went through some depression a little over a year ago and started taking an antidepressant. I started exercising and lost a about 15 pounds. Within a few months I had put five pounds back on. I was disgusted with myself!
I was talking to a friend who had joined Weight Watchers and decided that maybe I should give it a try. I joined in October, 2011 and by Christmas I had lost X pounds. I had lost 10 percent of my starting weight (X) and was rewarded with a keychain. Only three more pounds to go and I would get the circle charm indicating a X pound weight loss. People were starting to notice and compliment my appearance. It felt great! My WW leader told me I had to set a new goal--my goal weight. I was hesitant. I didn't want to set my final goal. We agreed on X pounds. Now the pressure was on. I feel like I have to continue to lose so it's not just another failed diet. I realize this is pressure I have put on myself.
I don't know if I would be considered bulimic. I don't really remember the first time I purged. I must have been 13 or 14. I just couldn't get myself to stay with it any longer than any other "diet." I had gone for probably 25 years without purging. In January of this year after eating too much one evening I decided to throw up. This relieved that stuffed feeling and for a little while I felt in control. Then the next day I did it again. My binging isn't anything like what I've seen others describe, but I am aware while I am eating that I am full, but I just can't stop myself from eating "just one more bite." I don't usually purge more than once a day and usually only three to four times a week. I always tell myself that "this is the last time." It's been four days since my last purge, but I've gone as long as two weeks before.
I don't like sneaking food. I fear what people will think of me because of my lack of self-control. I don't think I've been at this for long enough, and not to the extreme that I've seen in other stories, for it to have the health consequences I've read about. I don't want it to get to that point. I want to see my children grow up. I don't want them to be disappointed in me. I can't tell my husband. His first thought will be about how much money has been wasted on food that was eaten only to be thrown up.
Thanks for reading my story. I'm going through the 10 steps in the e-book. I almost skipped this step of sharing my story, but I think that if I do that then I'm not really serious about stopping this before it takes hold of me. This has given me so much to think about. Thanks for putting this information out there. I am sure you have helped so many people and I hope to be one of them.
I am so glad that you decided to share your story with us... I know that it will help so many women who read it in the future! Thank you.
The binge cycle is so often triggered by dieting... I see it so often (almost every time) when I work with people in recovery. Nourishing our bodies is so important and when we deny our bodies of the food they need, they demand it! I would suggest allowing yourself to eat 6 times a day Sherrie. I know this may seem like a lot, but it's important to boost our metabolism and to reinforce to our subconscious minds that we will not be starving them. Allow yoruself enough food, and tasty food too... Everything in moderation. Diets fail because they stem from a place of denial and self loathing. Try to listen to that beautiful soul of yours. What nourishment (body and soul) is it calling for? I always say in The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community
that I run - Recovery grows from nourishing the body and soul with food and self love. You deserve both these things Sherrie :)
Wishing you a smooth journey!
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