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Alone in this world just me and Mia

by Marie
(Calgary Alberta Canada )

I guess you could say she has been my best friend through everything even when I didn't know it as an innocent child...

Ever since I can remember I could never control what I ate, moderation never seemed like it was for me, nothing was ever enough. After school in elementary I think it started about grade 3 or 4 I began to sit in field with my friend and binge, I mean we could eat everything I remember eating a whole cheesecake to myself ontop of cookies etc.. As only a a little girl. As a child it never occurred to me that I could throw up until grade 6 did I realize the bingeing was getting out of hand and I needed to put an end to this guilt. So I started to purge the first couple times it was so stressful I'd sit and cry punching my stomach trying to make myself puke...

I would hide cups, water bottles.. Garbage bags of throw up, and then carry them to a dumpster as soon as I could get out without anyone seeing, nobody knew I had this problem not even myself. Grade 7 I didn't want to eat I couldn't do this to myself any longer, so I began to restrict 5 crackers a day and running up and down the stairs for hours I began to loose quite abit of weight..

But nobody noticed which was what I was so desperately hoping for. Which made me Believe I did not have any problem what so ever I'm a joke, a failure I can't even loose weight that people notice when I am in so much pain so hungry. I switched my eating disorder off or so I thought at this time and began to eat what I thought was normal but ended in extreme binges. And then my mum found my journal in June of grade 7, it only had a few entry's on how many times I puked that day even after just having a salad or something small...

She took that journal and brought it to my doctor he asked me Marie do you have an eating disorder, of course I replied with no! Because I truly did not believe there was anything wrong with me, and my mom goes oh yeah well what the hell is this!? And threw the journal on the floor...

I stormed out and didn't talk to my mom for the rest of the day. When I went for my blood tests I was scared they took 8 viles out of my arm at once I could feel the needle swaying back and forth in my vein then I passed out twice once hitting my head on the doorknob I will never forget that day, I was wearing a red hat...

Grade 8 I actually do not remember but I wish I could more than anything in the world, my friends will tell me now how everyone thought I was so pretty I had the best hair and clothes I was tan and had such good friends but Mia was always in the back of my head and would come out ever so often but it wasn't so strong that year that's why I don't think I remember it so well, because it was such a good year I just enjoyed it while it was happening.

Grade 9 in when my life turned completely around, I met whom I though was the love of my life, I'd known him from grade 3 previously and had the biggest crush on him ever, but I was kind of a odd little girl he never liked me back. But things were different I was pretty now and all grown up. All the girls seemed to like him at the beginning of the year he seemed to be the most popular i saw guys were intimidated by him because he was into street fights, and he wanted me so badly It felt amazing. He told everyone I'm not dating anyone till I get her, I hung out with him for the first time he liked me so much he already wanted me to meet his mother . I loved him and he loved me so much we were inseparable I was at his house everyday, had dinner with his family talked to his mom and sister like they were my own. December that year I tried to smoke weed for the first time I'd had always been so against before and if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have done it, I could have been such a good role model for all my friends I used to have this personality that everyone loved and looked up I deeply down knew that...

After that I smoked pot almost everyday And when they say it is a gateway drug they are not kidding. I became so weird when I was with him nw my mind changed my hair changed and my clothes I looked like a homeless person with newly black dyed hair from beautiful long light brown and blonde hair. I was changeling just even from pot. If I only knew, the first time I did pure I will also never forget or ever get that feeling ever again it was the most amazing thing ever my boyfriend gave it to me as he was now the schools biggest drug dealer. He would tell me how great the drug was how much fun it was, he was so protective why did he do this I still can't comprehend. But I did that little purple pill it led to many, it got s bad I even stole those purple pills from my boyfriends dealing supply when he was to high to notice...

My girlfriend started doing it and I felt this guilt and Mia\ana was back in my life. I started doing many of these pills at once and then moved to Dino tabs witch can be up t 6x the size. They started to not work even when taking 6 at a time so I quit them for awhile but I can still smell the smell of that pure. I drank a lot and still smoked a lot f weed in my free pure days. My boyfriend got expelled eventually and had to move to an hour anyway to welfare housing I remember standing in the little house thinking how sad is this, but before he left me he left me a new addicting Dexedrine and adderal though not the amazing feeling of pure I didn't have to eat on them he told me s he told me your only aloud to loose X pounds anymore would be gross. But he allowed me to take them he supplied me with them for free..

He had also struggled with bulimia as a child I think he still does but will never admit to it, since having this disorder as a guy must be so much harder. I was determined to loose the weight for him I went back to restricting diets and major exercise I would run 2 hours after works and when I didn't have work do intense cardio and run stairs for hours, then he cheated on me with some beached whale and broke my heart completely tore me apart he ruined my life, I hate him so much but yet I can't seem to get how he was troubled out of my head I loved him so much it hurts. I really think he needs me I don't care what he has done sometimes, he needs me.

Grade 10 (grade currently just finished) beginning I hated oh so much things weren't like middle school people would block u out of there circle if u weren't cool enough but I wanted to be in that so badly now looking at how big of douches they are I have no clue why I wanted to but I did make it in.. I started to do pure again every single day alone with e and when I couldn't get my hands on pure or e I would go to wal Mart and steel cough syrup and drink half a bottle it was a sickening high I would puke in the school bathrooms and one time actually puked in the hallway talk about embarrassing, when I couldn't get that high anymore off those things or was just to creeped out on how I was n cough syrup thinking I could feel my soul coming through the mirror if I stared into in for hours on end, thinking there was a different person living inside of me. I began to use meth regularly none of my friends know how often I used, I would go back to that field where I used t binge and enjoy my meth high. This only lasted two months I couldn't take the dreams whenever I close my eyes the pictures I would see the withdrawals. I have found I am very strong I quit meth all by myself I ripped out some of my hair and scared the shit of of my dog and stayed home from school for a week to do so but I did it successfully, but yet I am not strong enough to get over my eating disorder. From the time I've done meth I have done cocaine and mushrooms I personally love mushrooms and Bealive they do help me get over this eating disorder but all those drugs I used were always for my eating disorder, I went two weeks with only having to force a bite of a granola bar down my throat that was all I had when I was high. I was loosening alot of weight aswell even my best friend asked me Julie have you lost weight your stomach... It looks so thin. I was so happy he had notice but I of course said no way I'm the same as always. Oh how I miss my restricting days now currently at my worst stage of my eating disorder I go on about 5-7 binges aday, tried to commit suicide 2ce witch I don't speak of but have the p emergency and EKG brackets to prove it. Sit in the same damn spot on my couch every night eating everything possible can until I can't walk and my stomach achs purging is no problem for me it is now my body's reaction for whenever I eat so I can not stop without a treatment, recently figured out I have a weird heartbeat and low potassium and also kidney problem, at 15 I have chances of heart attack but I can't stop this nightmare here I am Mia and I together forever it seems I hope this treatment works for me wish me luck, or see you in heaven to soon.

Love yourself not how I do don't let yourself get to this point, -marie

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


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