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Almost there

by kate
(New Zealand)

My bulimia began after I turned 16. Though I was happy, I never felt good about myself. I was overweight, and thought if I could get to a good weight other things would come right.

I started exercising and eating less and less- until nohing. I was amazed at how quickly the weight came off. Despite no longer being overweight, I set new weight loss goals. It seemed so easy. One day, I was so hungary that I ate a chocolate bar. Hardly a binge, but I was so stressed I was on the verge of tears. i had seen people throw up before, so I thought I may try it. It worked. In my head, a switch was flicked. i could eat whatever I want, and all I had to do was this.

From there, my bulimia skyrocketed. After only about a month, I was throwing up several times a day. I still thought it was great. I had lost even more weight, and still had the joy of eating whatever.

I was never really bullied, but my weight had been a point of insecurety when I was overweight. Sometimes people would comment, but even without that I felt that being overweight made me ugly. Once my bulimia began, I realised it was actually something I was good at. I loved to hear people talking about how hard it is for them to lose weight, because I found it easy.

Soon, my bulimia began to take a toll. On the outside, of course I got thing. But I also got discolored nails, my hair thined, my eyes were grey and I was covered in bruises. I felt dizzy all the time, and was often cold. It got really scary when I began to lose control of my body. I was scared to stand up because I might faint, and often completely zoned out. Sometimes I would lose the clarity of my vision and I could never concentrate.

My life was also being ruined. I had a part time job which I used to pay for flying. All this money was going into food. I began to steal, and raid rubbish bins. If I was at someones place, I would search the pantry. I hated what I was becoming. All the time, food was on my mind. I would spend hours in school not listening, but instead dreaming about my next binge.

My eating disorder also demanded perfection. I would go to extremes to keep it a secret, and although I was visably less healthy, I would dress up and cover what I could. I studied really hard, usually after a binge to ease the guilt. I appeared to somewhat be on track, but I was really just unhappy.

When it got so bad, my friends encouraged me to go to the doctor- who was great. My potassium was actually dangerously low, and I began getting help. However, I was still set on losing weight. I became underweight, and my bulimia became binge purge anorexia. I didn't mind people calling me anorexic or asking if I were ok, because I knew it meant they didn't think I was fat.

I tried to recover, but every 'recovery' was hindered by the fact I restricted. Finally, I decided to give it a try, eating normally. I reasoned that I knew how to lose weight,and if it went bad I could do it all again. If I didn't, I would have to go to hospital. This made me eat, because deep down I wanted a happy carefree life and knew I deserved better.

Finally, I feel like I am nearly there. I still fight a constant battle in my head, but I am eating again, and have even got my period back. But most of all, I am beginning to feel happy, and relaxed. I am so glad I let go.

Thanks Shaye heaps for this website. It has honestly been the most helpful recovery site for me. Good luck o anyone else still suffering, it can get better :)

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program