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After Confessing, Still Cant Stop Bulimia :(

by C.H.

After almost 5 years battling this awful disease and being with the same Girlfriend and hiding it from her. Ive finally told her a week or so ago, broke down and asked her for help, I am very scared about not making it through the day alive or not waking up from sleeping cuz my heart hurts all the time, (I hate feeling this way) my H/R is around 45-50 a min. We workout a lot (p90x) im 6'4 Xlbs, I dropped down from around X. I was very scared of how she was gonna react and judge me, while running out the door. To my surprise she has stayed and still loves me. She said she had known for about 2 years or so without ever telling me I kinda already knew or had an idea she knew. Anyways, it felt good to FINALLY tell someone and especially her, I felt so much weight off my shoulders, and yet so much shame and pain of years of torture coming out as well in front of her. Im glad I have her in my life, she is a strong Girl.

So my issue is even though I've told her, I havent been able to stop B/P not one day. It's really disappointing because I thought telling someone would help. Which in fact it has in a way cause I have been trying to make an effort and have been keeping some food down. When I get alone is the worst and at night, which is when my gf works her 12 hr shifts so I have ample time. I just can't seem to control myself and the amounts of food.

I tell myself it will be different tomoro but it hasnt been yet. I feel SO MUCH anxiety after having certain amount of food in my stomach that I go off and eat till it hurts and then easily let it all come out. I can't figure out why I just CANT stop? Why I cant be normal and healthy? Why food and this lifestyle has taken over my head, body, life and EVERYTHING.

Im so tired and over this I just cant seem to get one day day behind me. Very confused, don't know what to do anymore, feel like just giving in sometimes...

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program