Afraid of bulimia, afraid of recovery, afraid of life
I am trying to live without bulimia and my attempts are lasting for a few days at the most. What's so horrible is that I am completely aware of my choice to binge. I know there are other options in the moment but I still chose bulimia. Last night I binged and was only able to throw up a little. The pain from all of the food in my body was horrible. I've felt this pain before many times and made subsequent promises to never binge again but it does not last.
Although I have been working on recovery I have not been committed to it. I am ashamed to admit this. Bulimia medicates my fear. I keep reaching for it because I am scared to live without it.
Today I am more scared to keep living with it but I know I will feel the urge for it again sooner than later.
I can't live like this anymore. The madness is so habitual; it's my way of life. Weighing myself, counting calories eaten, counting calories burned, bingeing and vomiting, bingeing and laxatives, being scared of certain foods, stealing and hiding food, finding endless faults with my body, wishing I looked like someone else, wishing I was someone else, hating who I am? it NEVER stops. IT ONLY GETS WORSE.
I've read a lot of literature on eating disorders and I've applied very little of the knowledge to my disease. I'll buy the books, do the suggested exercises for a day or two and then digress back into bulimia. Each time I go back to bulimia it gets worse. The binges are bigger, the pain and depression are more intense.
I don't want to live this way anymore. I know that I have to stop today in order to have a life without bulimia. I hate that I am scared of living my life without it.
I hate that I am scared of living my life with it.
I hate that I am scared of living my life.
Thank you for letting me share on your site Shaye - it helps.
Love - Jennifer
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