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a wife, mother, grandmother should know better...

Dear EVERYONE, I am embarrassed, ashamed and sad. I have been using laxatives in pill form, but now in "herbal tea" form. Each time I over eat and feel too full because I have binged, I make myself some tea. I used to drink it throughout the day. I kept a pitcher in fridge to drink as if it were water. (I realize now I got more thirsty the more I drank due to my body being dehydrated by drinking the tea). I LOVE FOOD. IT TASTES GOOD! I had a sad childhood. My father was a wife beater, alcoholic, child abuser. I lived in a foster home from sixteen to eighteen years old. I got pregnant at seventeen and married in high school. I did graduate however. I had five children by the time I was twenty eight and my sixth at thirty five. My husband and I moved to a different state when I was thirty nine. I knew no one but his parents who lived there. I found out he had cheated on me. Went through a divorce after twenty four years and six children later. I felt ugly. I felt fat, ugly, worthless. Each and every time I went through one of these "bumps" in life I struggled with laxative bulimia. I tried the throwing up but thought my teeth would suffer more since I already had suffered malnutrition as a child as we went days without meals at times. I guess I got my satisfaction by eliminating this way. Four years after chasing by ex husband, trying to get our family back together again. He mislead me. He wanted to get back again, although he was dating others and sowing his wild oats, I felt rejected again. finally after he kissed me and told me he wanted to marry me again yet I found out he with was another woman later that night, I panicked and finally accepted a fourth proposal this man I has been seeing here and there. I got rushed into a marriage five days later and I was so sad and so disappointed in myself on my honeymoon. Because I did not love this man. We are going into seven years of marriage and he is good to me. We get along. We respect each other. Have a good life. Not in love with him and I feel GUILTY. GUILTY GUILTY and depression comes and goes. Lately it has been bad. So bad. We have snow in the winter and it gets so bad especially since he is home ALL the time because he works out of the home. We had a few horrible things happen in our married life. Had an intruder break in our home, he was killed here. We built a home and moved out yet had to sell because my husband was going to prison for tax evasion for four months(this was before he met me). Moved back into the house where the break in took place. Have been here four years since. Depression, sadness, disappointment, exhausted. I am back to laxative tea. I now do it quickly. I do 1 cup and five tea bags at a time. Here I go again. Please forgive me. I am human. (I wanted to write I am stupid or useless, ugly, a disappointment, but a little voice kept telling me to write human). I LOVE YOU ALL.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program