A small bulimia "relapse"...... then life goes on.
Well, a week ago I did binge and purge twice. I remember the first time what started it was Goldfish crackers. I could never resist goldfish crackers! I had a few, felt guilty and then had a few more and the ball got rolling. It wasn't a huge binge, just a little and then I got rid of it. The second small one was the next day and I actually don't even remember what I ate before I purged.
So, yeah, I felt a little bad about it at the time - doing so good being about 50 days binge/purge free and I go and do this! I know I really didn't even enjoy it. Once the binge started I felt I just have to just get over this quickly and get on with doing other things. It was almost methodical. Now when I look back on it it seems like I did something "abnormal", but I don't feel that guilty about it!? That sounds weird, doesn't it?
But, I'm not beating myself up over what I did - I don't even think of it as a "relapse" because it's just something I did a few times and after that life goes on and I'm still feeling good about myself. I made sure that I didn't think of myself as a failure just because of those 2 times - I came so far and those 2 little "oops" won't change things for me.
I know that what I have to refrain from doing is PLANNING binges. That is when the disorder really got serious for me back then - when I was planning and looking forward to my binges so that it interfered with my everyday life.
So, now at my 2-month mark it seems like my metabolism is pretty close to normal since I can eat regularly and my weight does not fluctuate a whole lot. I am staying at about 114 lbs which is normal for my height and build - and this is something quite new for me - eating normally and maintaining a normal weight! The obsession, or focus, on recovery from bulimia isn't as strong as it used to be. I'm starting to feel like this way/my way of eating is just a part of a normal way of life and just go with it. I am not as "strict" with my meal plans - I do still follow a healthy plan with 3 meals but if my snacks go a little not as planned that's ok, or if I miss one or add a little extra that's ok too.
It's so wonderful to see other women on this site beginning to take positive steps to recovery, it's a very exciting time of their lives!
Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Bulimia Stories.