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A one time situation turned into a long 3 year battle

by Elizabeth N
(Georgetown, CO, United States)

You can probably take a guess on how all of this got started. And you are probably correct. I was a person who always struggled with my weight. From when I was about 6 is when it started. With my mom always working at Mcdonalds all the time, she had no energy to keep up with cooking healthy. So we ate what she got for free. And because of that, I was bullied. Both verbally and physically because of my weight. Then I got braces and lost 20 pounds when I was a freshman in high school. Then after one day of eating 3 or so slices of pizza one day, I felt super sick. The next day, I weighed myself and was 2 pounds heavier. I thought if I just worked it off, it would be okay. But the 2 turned into 5 then 10. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered this one time when I got the stomach flu, I lost 5 pounds in 24 hours. I thought if I could repeat that same situation without being sick, I would be in control again. It was so gross when I tried it. Plus, it hurt and I swore to never do it again. When I woke up the next day, I lost x pounds. That made me feel great. That made me feel hungry though. So I over ate. And I figured if I lost weight by throwing up before, I can do it again. Before long, it turned into a vicious regular cycle of binging and purging. A one time situation turned into an addiction. It took so much control of me. I even made a schedule and plan to how long and how much I would puke that day. There are times where I would purge about 5 times a day. If my mom was home, I would go someplace in town and use their bathroom pretending I was sick And I did it by not just gagging myself. I would stick pens,pencils, markers, etc down my throat to get the full effect. It hurt but I didn't care. I thought I would lose weight. I was wrong though. After about a year or so, my mood would be so angry and sometimes violent. My skin looked horrible, and I was not losing any weight. But this had too much control over me to stop. I finally asked for help. I was sick of being this person who was not me. Because I turned into something that I used to belittle and despise. I went to therapy. I got help and now I am healed. Yes, I still struggle. But I only have thrown up once in an entire year. All this happened when I was 15. I now am 19 years old. This is not a part of my adolescence that I am proud of at all. However, it is something that made me stronger in the long run. I hope that all of you reading this story right now, understand that this is a choice that will scar you for life; literally and metaphorically. I hope that I can encourage you to not be silly like I was. I was willing to put my own life into danger just to look like a beautiful actress or singer. But it is how you take care of yourself inside and out. I may not be a tiny little twig with buns of steel. However, I have a voluptuous shape that is the perfect amount of curvy. And I am tall, with a beautiful face. It took me a long long long time to see that. But now, I get hit on so much at work because of how nice I am and how as they like to say 'really gorgeous.' I'm not not trying to say I'm better than you because I get hit on or whatever. My point is that even when you don't think that you're beautiful, look deeper. I wish that I did. Because I affected not only myself, but all the people who love me. There are so many things about me that I want to change and that I hate to have. However, they are things not worth giving up my life for. And it isn't for you either. We are all superficial to a degree. I admit that I have some of that. But what I want to get across to you, is that you never should let superficiality get the best of you. In the end, it's not what I say or do that matters to you. It's the way you are willing to deal with it. So please dear reader, I ask of you once again, don't be silly like me and jab pens down your throats just to look like a person who was probably airbrushed anyway. But rather, embrace who you are and don't ever forget where you're from. Because that is more than likely the most beautiful part of you that will always be alive if you let it live.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program