A new day
(Ajax, Ontario, Canada)
I hate food. I hate food. I hate it. I hate it as if it were a person. As if it has done something wrong to me, when in reality, it has done nothing but fill the voids in my life. I have depression, I self harm, and when cutting stopped being enough, I began binge eating. I would binge every now and then, without purging.
it wasn't until new years day that I began. What a way to start off the new year huh? Instead of spending time laughing and hanging out with friends. I was in my friends toilet throwing up all the food I had binged on. And i wasn't proud of myself. Even now I am so ashamed of myself, to say that that is what I had done.
When I first began, I knew it was a bad idea, but I thought i could stop when I had gotten down to the weight I wanted to be. My obsession with my weight has haunted me for a very long time, and it wasnt until the summer of 2012 that I started to do something about it.
After losing over X pounds, I wanted more. And purging was the way. When I first began I would sit in my laundry room for hours a day on my laptop, eating food and drinking sugary drinks from the fridge and pantry, and then throw it up in the wash tub. I did this for a while, until I realized I had completely isolated myself.
My binging sometimes went away, and I was able to eat normally again. But it always came back. I was getting concerned about it at the beginning of February after a month of puking non-stop. But after a look up in my life I stopped all together, and I was ready to get on with my life and start a new.
However it seems that as soon as I am on the way to being okay, food comes back into my life. Junk food. Chips, cookies, cakes, icing, whatever my trigger food is, I will have it and I will destroy it.
I would go friends houses because I knew there would be junkfood. Then I'd eat and throw it up. Tubs of ice cream, bags of chips. I ate a whole pie at my friends house one night and then threw it up.
It didnt matter where I was I would throw up. I even once threw up at a hospital bathroom while my dad was recovering from surgery.
I let myself spiral out of control.
there have been times where I've eaten things from the garbage. there have been times I've eaten things straight from the freezer, raw, half rotten. and I'm not proud of it.
I tend to eat quickly, barley chewing my food and one night I vividly remember throwing up whole tortellini, and then eating them again. It really hurts to have these memories come up. and even though I've only had this for a few months, my addiction to food is no weaker than anyone else, and my slate is no cleaner than anyone elses.
I want to get better, because I'm sick of seeing myself hurt. I dont want to hurt in this way anymore.
This is my third day of recovery and I did binge and purge today. But unlike all the other times I've tried to recover, I haven't given up. I know this will take time and effort, and I'm finding new ways to help stop myself. I hope one day I can sit down with a bowl of chips and not have to worry about eating the whole bag.
I have everything to gain, and nothing to lose.
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