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A life of pretending

by Emina
(Bosnia and Herzegowina)

My earliest memory of bulimia is at the age of 17, when I purged after eating 3pcs of cake for breakfast. My two younger sisters were in the other room, and to this day it terryfies me to think that they probably heard me do it. After that day everything escalated quickly.
I always had an issue with weight and my appetite. My father would give some remarks about my eating from time to time- for example, he would criticize me for eating pancakes, bread, drinking sodas. He'd say to me that I'm going to beacome fat, like him, and to stop it. That would make me feel so guilty and ashamed, but helpless. I thought I couldn't control my eating. And when puberty came, boys started noticing me a bit, the teasing started. I felt ashamed, ugly, unworthy. I thought I looked awful,fat, that I should lose weight to be "like other girls".
The negative effect of Bulimia in my life is everywhere around me. Bulimic thoughts occupy my almost every wake moment. I purge about 5-6 times a day, sometimes even more. I live in constant fear of food, of Bulimia, of myself.
My urge to recover comes from a hope to live my life "all the way". I'm feeling that I'm wasting my life to nothing. I dont want to end up dead in a bathroom. There is so much that I can achieve with my life, I feel it deep inside of me. But I cannot go on with my life until I get out of this "hell cycle".
In the future, I want to be a healthy fit girl, optimistic and full of life. Definatelly not determInd by food. I want to make myself happy- that is my priority.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
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